I may have
broken upon a unifying theory of why I am the way I am. I have an
all-encompassing aversion to compulsion. To start I will explain how I define compel.
To compel means to use force to change the actions of another. Force is the
most important word in that definition, and is what separates compulsion from
related concepts like influence or persuasion. I’m using force to mean
the application of strength or power (that’s the last definition I will give
because I want to avoid a Russian Nesting Doll situation). Just explaining the
words isn’t going to convey my meaning here, so I will try to do that now.
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| I get uncomfortable with words that can only be explained in relation to other words |
My aversion
to compulsion means that I become uncomfortable when my actions are not
self-determined, or when I interfere with the self-determined actions of others.
If you’re thinking that this describes almost everything ever you’re correct,
and that is why I believe that this has a major influence on almost everything
I do, believe, or feel. If effects the way I work, write, drive, eat, poop, and
think, not to mention the massive repercussions in all social interactions. I take a very
passive role in all my relationships and can't remember a single occurrence
of initiating a change in relationship status (such as changing from
acquaintance to friend). I’ve never been a member of any unified groups, either
as a leader or member, since such unification would almost certainly be
compulsive in one way or another. This has got to be the major cause of why my romantic history has such paucity, since getting someone to like you is a compelling
act (my poor ability to recognize any naturally occurring affection in others completes
the package). The most positive thing about all this is that all my friends
tend to be interesting individuals who have value far beyond the fact that they
listen to the same music as me.
To see the
influences on my thinking I just have to look back through old blog posts. Anti-compulsion
colors my thoughts in most of my more philosophical posts such as the ones on feminism
and killing (my thoughts on tallness were actually pretty
forceful, but I may have gotten a little carried away on that one). My love of
the Ubermensch can be reduced to interpreting the Ubermensch as a person
who is beyond compulsion, and my take on philosophical zombies were just people
who are lost in compulsion. I already linked my history with women posts which
are full of evidence. My ego post is essential just a nascent form of
this one. I now see my desire to have no needs as perceiving needs as a compulsive
force and railing against them. I even mentioned disliking having an influence
on the actions of others in there, but just didn’t notice how it could be
applied to everything else I have going on (another thing that I could change in that post is
that I now describe my sexual orientation as being asexual, hetero-curious, and
bi-envious, to make it ever more absurd). I even think that the writing style
itself is demonstrative, with the framing of my content as personal ideas and
opinions rather than facts that might carry more force. I’m sure this idea will
come up in future posts as well, and someday I may be exploring the as yet
unknown source of this dislike of compulsion, so this self-reference will probably continue.
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| Past actions seem like legitimate evidence for introspection |
Well this
has been another stepping stone on my journey of introspection, and writing
like this is the best way I know for cementing my ideas. Who needs
psychoanalysis when you have a blog! If anyone actually read this far I must
admit that I’m surprised you would spend this much time looking at my boring
self analysis but thanks, and also hi mom.
hi
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