Me and the Voice in My Head

                I believe I have a somewhat non-typical ego. In my understanding the typical ego is responsible for actions like desiring the possession of large sums of money, seeking intercourse with traditionally attractive members of the opposite sex, and having power over other human beings. It makes people get angry and offended over innocent comments, and it causes jealousy and competitiveness plus all sorts of other uncool stuff. It’s not all bad though, since the ego can probably be linked to acts of heroism and valor, and people striving to excel. In my description the ego is basically the non-rational thought process, or the more emotional “gut reaction” sort of drives and reactions. It is also connected to the self-image and self-esteem, which is why it can be so complicated and different from person to person. Above are just some examples of what I think the common ego does, and is probably pretty male biased (not real familiar with the female ego. I don’t date often, which shouldn't be a surprise). The one ego that I do understand pretty well is my own, and I will now explain why I think it is non-typical.

The Cobra Kai, the face(s) of ego conflict?

                The main factor of my ego is a desire to have no needs. This causes a myriad of non-rational behavior. I do things like wear t-shirts and shorts all winter long because I don’t need to wear winter clothes. I also avoid luxuries meant to make my life easier (like a pizza cutter), because I can get along without them. I only grudgingly admit to needing actual literal needs like sleep and food, and don’t like to eat or sleep in front of other people because it makes me feel vulnerable. When my ego gets mixed in with other people and relationships that’s when it really causes problems. If I decide I don’t need another person in my life I will basically freeze them out and try to shut down all communication between us, which is a horrible thing to do. I have lost some friends in this manner, which I feel bad about, but the ego also keeps me from fixing things, so I got that going for me, which is not nice.  I do think I need the internet, I will admit that much.

It's so good at cutting pizza that it seem sinful

                My drives are what really stand out among other members of American Male Culture though. Money has no real value to me. I can spend it without any remorse, and I don’t seek making money with much intensity (I am employed, but I don’t push for raises or anything). Luckily my whole “no needs” deal keeps me from buying very many things, so I generally end up hording money anyway. Social and romantic relationships have never been something that I worked real hard to create. I always start as a passive friend with the other person needing to be the outgoing one, and my sexual orientation would probably best be described as asexual but hetero curious. I can on occasion be reasonably outgoing with close friend who I have known for some time and trust and respect (as for close romantic relationships I will have to let you know when it happens). Being serious or competitive are other things I am not known for. I’m yet to run into a situation where that was bad for me though, so no problem I guess. Influencing other people’s actions to almost any degree also makes me uncomfortable, which means I am really bad at changing lanes in traffic (sorry people behind me).

                As for weak points in my ego, those are really just the weak points in my self-image. Insults toward my intelligence generally upset me more than anything else since I put a lot of value in being smart. The insults do need to be well composed to get to me, so I don’t just tear up every time someone says that I’m dumb. My smell is another point that I am self-conscious about, since I sweat more than is reasonable on occasion, and worry if it smells. I have never actually had a negative comment about my smell, but I have had people say that my Old Spice Classic cover scent smells nice multiple times. Shots at the way I look or dress generally have no effect, although I sometimes wish they would (maybe I wouldn’t have had such an absurd goatee through high school, or worn the same dirty hat for twelve years). Insults directed at my ability at sports, or my sexual prowess are also fairly moot. This means the best way to make me feel bad would be to ditch me for a Nobel Laureate (one of the sciency ones anyway) who smells like lilacs and laundry exhaust; I’m not sure I could recover from that.

Me after walking half a block in 70° weather.

                Thank goodness I’m a textbook introvert though (^sreally, an introvert, you don’t say!^s), and take plenty of time for introspection (and then writing blog post about it). I hope I have a fairly strong understanding of my ego, and can work against its more negative consequences. Introversion is probably the overall cause for my different ego anyway, since the stereotypical ego is probably a more extrovert ego. I will definitely take uncomfortable eating over unreasonable punching any day. Anyway, please don’t use this information to crush me mentally.