My History with Women - Part One (A Pattern Forms)

This is the comprehensive history or all my romantic interactions with the opposite sex. I will tell you right now that things don’t really go well, but I would rather receive laughter than concern about it. I built this house and I have to live in it, and to be honest I am actually still proud of it (this sort of failure doesn't come easy). The names have been left out to save these poor girls any more embarrassment from being associated with me.

                We will start from the beginning. In Kindergarten and the next few years, my core group of friends was made up of two boys and two girls. My favorite of the two was a sweet little petite girl (this is likely why I am still attracted to petite girls to this day). The only real activities that I can remember are recess soccer, chicken fighting, and pee wee baseball. She wasn’t really athletic or anything, but she was always cheerful, and that just made her fun to be around. Sadly she switched elementary schools in 3^rd grade, and we lost touch after that.

Your looking at the catcher for the Eagles, Pee Wee Champions

                 The first time I was ever asked out was at some point in second grade. A third grade girl asked me if I wanted to be her boyfriend during recess one day. This was done with the classic method of a note and circling yes or no. I may have missing a lot of romantic experiences, but I totally got this one. I didn’t know this girl so I flipped out and declined her offer. I had an inexplicable girl phobia at this age that I am probably still dealing with the remnants of to this day. She seemed kind of odd anyway, so no regrets here.

                At another point during second grade a girl in my class asked me over to her house on what I will call a play date. I was skeptical because it didn’t sound like it would be very fun, but my mother though it was a good idea that I get some social experience with girls, so she rightfully and underappreciatedly pushed me into going. I can’t remember what we actually did, but I do remember finding it quite boring (Nintendo, Lego, and Capture the Flag were my main interests at the time). I also realized that she had quasi-romantic feelings for me so I broke that relationship like a karate master breaking boards. I was apparently attractive at that age.

The ladies love a bowl cut

                I also had an ambiguous relationship with a Russian girl in my class. She didn’t really talk much, but she did like tackle me and pull my pants down. I’m not exactly sure whether she was flirting with me or just bullying me. She scared the crap out of me either way.

                Fifth grade is when I became part of a real social structure. My group of boys happened to have a corresponding group of girls, so I had that going for me. The main interactions between the groups were prank exchanges, secret codes, and one sided basketball games, but there was also some coupling between the groups. I wasn’t the ladies’ man of the group (the farthest from it actually), but at least I had something to work with. Major events include a ski trip where one of the girls (the outgoing one) had a crush on me for what I only remember being that day. This basically meant that she followed me around all day and took every opportunity to fall on me that she could get. There was also a D.A.R.E. roller skating event (during which I played Kings Corners and never put on a pair of skates), during which my friends had the idea that we should all ask a girl out. I didn’t have any aspirations (at least that I was willing to admit), so my friends took it upon themselves to pick and ask a girl for me. They chose the “sporty one,” and to my chagrin, she said yes. I panicked and told her that I wasn’t actually interested (like a jerk), but that was technically my first girlfriend.

Here is me learning all the sweet skiing skills that I would later use to impress the chicks

                The girl that I had a crush on was the over achiever of the group. Interplay included her teasing me about always failing the preliminary spelling tests, and the one time she failed I passed, so I teased her ten times as hard. I gave her the nickname Skunky, because she had a wisp of light colored bangs in her dark hair (I had nicknames for all or the girls actually, but hers was the only one I ever really used). Other than that I tried to hide my feelings for her, since I believe that if you want to get a girl to like you, you should completely ignore her. This method continues not to work to this day.

                In sixth grade my family moved towns, undoing all of the zero progress I had made with the ladies (actually a clean slate might have been a more favorable position). I did start out with a bit of a reputation as a weird kid though, because I was new, came from a middle school (I had to go back to elementary school, which was LAME), and I wrote in cursive all the time. One memorable occurrence was when one girl started making out with everyone after her boyfriend moved to Australia (she promised to wait!), and I was rumored to be one of her make out victims. I wasn’t of course, but whenever questioned about it, I would never confirm or deny the rumor (not correcting peoples incorrect assumptions if it suits me is something I do from time to time, and I don’t know if it is lying or not). At another point that year, I was informed that the girl who read books every spare moment had a crush on me. I thought I was too good for her (I wasn’t), and never did anything about it. I also threw up at the Christmas Recital. That’s not really related to anything romantic, it was just a good memory.

                In Junior High, I really came into my own at sucking with women. I had my fair share of crushes and more than my share of making no moves. I did tease one girl that I liked by calling her albino (she was very fair hairs and skinned), but I got in trouble for it by a teacher so I stopped (the next year a teacher was calling her albino, so I think the social studies teachers had some sort of sinister joke stealing racket going on). I also teased a different girl I liked for not being as good with computers as me, and she told me I had a head shaped like a dinosaur egg, so that was fun. I wasn’t very popular in Junior High, in case you couldn’t guess. I remember some girls being really surprised that I was a starter on the football team once, because I was a pretty big nerd. One of my math teachers used to seat me next to only girls on purpose to try to help me out. I don’t think girls are attracted to guys who are good at math unfortunately.

On the last day of ninth grade I decided that it was finally time to make a move. My current crush was on the “Queen of the Nerds.” She was the undisputed hottest smart girl in our grade. I fell for her during an archery class in gym when she asked me to help her put on her arm bracer. It went a lot better than my last attempt to touch a girl (she asked me for a quarter, and I got so nervous that I dropped it short of her hand and then ran away), so I believed that I was in (I had no idea what league I was in). So, it was the last day and everyone was gathered in the lunch room signing yearbooks and what not. It was now or never, so I girded my loins... and had a friend ask her out for me (wow past me, just WOW). She declined obviously (she said she didn’t know me well enough, which isn’t surprising since I was afraid to speak to her), and thus ended Junior High.

                We will see you next time for the story or an actual girlfriend.