Cob the Aloof

            So I recently drew a self portrait of myself, and in an attempt to do something useful with it I decided to make a statistics page for myself, RPG style. Here's what I came up with.

I think the head ended up a little wide, but acceptable artistry in the end I guess

Attributes: (The theory hear is I created ten attribute categories based on five mental and five physical capabilities, and then distributed 100 points between them to represent my strengths and weaknesses)

Strength -           12                           Intelligence -        16

Constitution -     9                             Willpower -           10

Agility -                 7                             Wit -                       11

Beauty -               8                            Charisma -           13

Perception -        6                            Insight -                 8

Weapon of Choice: Bo Staff (can be less then lethal, has utility outside of combat, and can be easily improvised)

Power Animal: Goose

Humor: Phlegmatic

Skills: Math, Operating Computers, Repelling Women (Passive)

Traits: Asperger's Syndrome (grants bonuses to math and science skills while reducing social skills), Retro (strong appreciation for the culture of the past, with disregard for modern trends)

Turn Ons: Obscure references that are relevant to my interests, open-mindedness, and willingness to pick up a joke and run with it (absurd humor is best done with an accomplice)

Turn Offs: Unabashed ignorance, compulsion, and becoming emotional during intellectual debates.

Elemental Affinity: Water

Weakness: Groups of over four people

Favorite Band = Foreigner

            This British/American (hence the name) Arena Rock Super Group has been my favorite band ever since I was 16 and actually started to care about music (due to the fact that I needed something to listen to while driving). I “borrowed” five Foreigner tapes from a friend, and proceeded to play those tapes until they would play no more. Foreigner just has so many great songs, but the strange thing is that few people (of my age at least) can recognize the band by name. Similar bands like Journey, Styx, and Queen seem to be much more widely known, and I don’t know why. Maybe it’s this semi-exclusive quality that I like about them, but anybody who has listened to classic rock radio should recognize at least a half dozen of their songs. It’s the songs that are what I really love about this band. I know virtually nothing about this band outside their music (maybe a low profile lifestyle is why this band isn’t recognized), and I really don’t care to. The songs are what I love so the songs are what I will talk about. In the order in which they appear in the discography, here are discussions of my favorite Foreigner songs:

The Self-Titled Album

Feels Like The First Time – The aptly named first song of their first album. In my opinion, a mandatory opener for any Foreigner compilation tape. Nothing amazing in the lyrics department (most just repetitions on a theme), but Lou Gramm is really belting it out in this one. Off to a good start, let’s continue.

Cold As Ice – Now we’re talking. The piano part is so simple yet so charming. This song is a good example of how well structured many Foreigner song are. The song is simply a Verse-Chorus-Verse-Chorus-Bridge with the ending basically just Cold as Ice being repeated as a round with some nice background vocals. It’s nothing fancy, but it works. The lyrics even come in within the first ten seconds, and I appreciate a song that gets right down to business.

Starrider – Definitely one of their dorkier songs, but I’m a sucker for a sci-fi theme. Based on a true story of when the band was abducted by aliens (the same thing happened to Styx). The crescendoing “speed increasing, all control is in the hands of those who know” chorus is my favorite part of the song.

Headknocker – This one has a bit of southern-rock flavor to it with a theme about a bad-ass guitar playing, back seat mauler, bar room brawler. This dude has a ’57 coupe (only rhymes with the American pronunciation), walks with a stoop, and swears James Dean isn’t dead. The warnings not to mess with this guy and his threatened violences escalate as the song progresses, which is a nice touch.

Long, Long Way From Home – An up pace, somewhat confrontational song. I enjoy the songs were they work in a saxophone since a sax solo can wail just as hard as anything, if not harder (it is probably the hardest rocking instrument that you need to blow into). The “I’m looking out for the two of us” line is delivered as only Lou could do it, and is my favorite part of this one.

I Need You – Starts with an amazing slow build up, and I thoroughly enjoy all the instrumentation in this song. There are times when I don’t even know how many instruments are playing, but I know that I like it. This is true super group material, and everybody is bringing their A-game to this one.

The Sophomore Album

Hot Blooded – I really like how they jump right into the chorus 15 seconds into the song. This is my ultimate pick up song, and I don’t even live a pick up lifestyle. There are some legendary rhymes in this song with stuff like you-rendezvous-do-who, but the whole thing is nearly ruined for me by the fact that the first verse matches mind with mind. You guys can do better than that! Here, how about this: “You don’t have to read my mind, Baby it ain’t hard to find, honey you ought to know.” Was that so complicated? They also rhyme sign with sign later in the song, but it works due to the pleading nature of the lyrics, so I’ll let it slide. In the end, when they change up the third chorus to say “burning inside of me” instead of “one hundred and three” I totally forgive any bad rhymes. This song even got reference in Dinosaur Comics, so you know it must be good.

Love Has Taken Its Toll – A like a song that tells a story. This is a plain story about a man winning over a woman who wanted nothing to do with him. You can’t really fit much narrative into a three and a half minute song, but this one does a good enough job for me. She kind of jumps right from backhanding him to pleading him (nearly), but they do drop a “to make a long story short” in there, and that sax solo could melt any women’s heart.

Double Vision – A song about parting hard and getting mentally befuddled. The weird thing is that the tone is neither hard nor fast like you would expect of a song about partying hard and living fast. It’s really a fairly smooth and mellifluous song, and comes across as a praise of the phenomenon of double vision rather than any causes of such phenomena. It’s strange, but I like it. The line “my mind is racing, but my body’s in the lead” is my favorite part.

Who's been writing song titles on this stall, and what is this women doing in the men's bathroom?

Dirty White Boy – The classic tale of a lower class boy getting together with an upper class girl told in song form. This theme shows up everywhere; from Billy Joel songs, to Star Wars, to Super Mario Brothers. None of them coin such a stupendous term as Dirty White Boy though, and I also get a hint of a dominant/submissive aspect to this relationship (“you want me to be cruel to ya”), which is something.

Love on the Telephone – An angry song for a nice change of pace. This one is the story of a relationship falling apart over a long distance. Plenty of phone references to be found that aren’t applicable to today’s world, but I still enjoy when he threatens to tear a phone out of the wall (to an operator no less). One of a few Foreigner songs where days of the week appear in the lyrics, but they are so easy to rhyme with that I guess it’s not super surprising.

Women – This is kind of a silly song that just throws out a bunch of different kinds of women (from those “behind bars” to “in limousines”). That’s all it is; no story, no chorus; just... women. The word “women” is used 35 times in this song, which is an average of once every 5.83 seconds. Another rhyme fest, which is something I like, and I don’t know what is going on with the guitar in this song, but I know I like it.

I’ll Get Even With You – Revenge is this song’s theme. The lyrics are mostly descriptions of the negative impacts on the singer, and his assurance of getting even. I like how the target of this revenge is never describe, and the nature of the offence is left vague as well. It could be about anything and anyone and I appreciate how it’s so widely applicable.

Head Games – A person can only take so much psychological warfare in a relationship. You can’t always solve a problem by talking and some people are just bound to fight. Interpersonal relationships are hard, and leaving can be the only good option left.

Rev on the Red Line – Hints of illegal street racing before it was cool. This song was way ahead of its time. It discusses a love a cars, women who love the best times (as in track times), high speed chases, and paying off court officials. I think that pretty much covers it.

My favorite album of the bunch

Night Life – Another song about partying, but with a lively mood this time. This song glorifies all things nocturnal, and refers to the day only with disdain. The life of the night is complete with everything from neon and noise, night owls, and girls “never doing what they oughta.” I have no desire to live this life for myself, but I do enjoy the occasional song about it.

Juke Box Hero – A coming of age tale about a boy who goes from listening to concerts from the rainy alley outside, to a rock legend. A tale about the power of one guitar. A tale about struggling to get on top, and struggling to stay there. A tale about stars being in people’s eyes. This song just rocks so friggin’ hard that I can’t help but feel good when I listen to it. This is early 80’s rock at its finest.

Urgent – Some love songs just don’t have any room for romance. A body has needs, and these needs can get Urgent. When two people can satisfy these needs for each other it’s something worth singing about. Another great saxophone song, and there is also some synthesizer work by Thomas Dolby, which is always excellent.

I’m Gonna Win – The greatest tragedy of the 1980’s what that this song never made it into a montage. This song oozes that 80’s motivational charm. The grim determination towards winning just makes me feel capable of anything (“I want to taste it while its hot”). Even the instrumental in the song reeks of the will to succeed. This is my favorite Foreigner song due to these stimulating qualities, and a good song to end on.

            After their first four albums I haven’t found any Foreigner songs that I really love. They still have some pretty good music there, but it just isn’t at the same level for me. All the non-Lou Gramm stuff I just don’t have any interest in. One disappointing thing about Foreigner is that they never really figured out music videos. Maybe this is why they aren’t well known by my generation (I also don’t judge them to be the most attractive musicians of the era). It isn't hard to find a radio station that doesn't play at least a few of their songs, so they aren't that obscure. My old tapes have now been replaced by CD's and it is only a matter of time until those will be worn away by use as well.

Myriad (this is my attempt at a catchy name for a philosophical text)

            I’ve come to a conclusion that all justice, morals, virtues, and concepts of good and evil are completely relative. Not in the way that you can come up with whatever you want and be correct, but that they are determined by the social system in which they exist and not universal constants. This statement seems obvious after thinking about it for so long, but I guess I can still back it up with some discussion. Morals are going to get the most focus since they’re most commonly believed to be unchanging.

            The way I see it, it all starts with the social system. A social system is just any structure that human beings use to organize their interaction with one another, ranging from a nation, to a club. By my definition; within a society justice is beneficial action, virtue is valuable traits, morals are concepts for propitious behavior, and good and evil are labels for anything that is advantageous or harmful. Here’s an example. In my wider culture of the United States of America during the early 21^st Century, sex between an adult male and a young boy is considered to be very wrong. So much so that it’s considered justice to send those whom commit this act to jail, where they will be considered to have less moral value that murderers and thieves. Compare this to Classical Hellas, where love between a man and a boy could be considered superior to love between a man and woman (See Plato’s Symposium). Men would have a mentoring relationship with young boys and these relationships included a physical component. The boys were not damaged in any way since this was a completely accepted aspect of the culture, and they likely benefited since they learned stuff and a caring physical relationship can hardly be traumatic. A similar system also existed in Feudal Nippon, just to show it’s not a lone aberration. I realize that in modern times these relationships are typically conducted with additional antisocial acts like assault and kidnapping, but the sexual aspect is usually considered to be the most morally reprehensible part, and without the stigma against the relationships the violent aspects probably wouldn’t commonly exist (I assume here that being taught that one’s natural urges are wrong and need to be repressed might create an unstable and violent individual). This moral belief and others sex related morals (anti-homosexuality, condemning premarital sex, and denouncing all non-monogamous relationships to name a few) can probably be traced to this countries early Puritan roots. But how about murder, it’s always evil right? Well, I can come up with a social system that wouldn’t agree. Imagine a warrior society that believes in a concept of survival of the fittest and glory through combat. Killing others could be viewed as a way to prove ones worth and also as a way or removing those who weren’t valuable to the community. Hypothetical societies like this can be imagined for any act viewed as morally wrong in a culture, and also the opposite where good morals are viewed as evil.

             What I think can be taken away from this idea is that you can’t judge actions within another culture as right or wrong by your own cultural standards. It’s easy to view another society as inherently evil due to differences in the morals built into the social systems, and it’s harder to just accept and tolerate differences. Morals are not completely subjective though, and an individual can’t act in any way desired and claim to follow a different system. Citizens in a social system are obligated to act in the society’s best interest or expect repercussions. It’s only natural for a society to protect itself and encourage the behavior that benefits it, and this is where laws, police, moral education, and such come from. It seems like the problems are that social systems can’t be objectively measured as better or worse, and that many people live in systems that they don’t completely agree with. A solution to this would be to organize various parallel social systems that exist with free movement of their citizens. Diverse cultures could be created in something like city-states, and every member of a culture would be expected to be a willing participant. The more diverse cultures the better, with differences ranging from political organization to economic systems to whether or not people eat meat. Individuals who find that they don’t agree with the culture they live in could hopefully move to another that better suits them, and many morally influenced crimes could be simply punished with exile to another culture that doesn’t view them as crime. Thieves could be sent to the city where property doesn’t exist, adulterers to a free loving state, and embezzlers to a free market anarchy. Exile could be used as a punishment for all serious crimes, with those unable to fit into any group sent to uninhabited areas to create new groups (this isn’t really feasible with the current population on Earth, but once we are capable of living off this planet we can send them to live on asteroids or the like). I’m a big fan of exile, since with justice being actions that benefit society, if a criminal can’t be trusted to cooperate with the social system it's more beneficial to simply make them leave than to dedicate infrastructure to imprisoning them or to waste their life by ending it. I hope societies could be much more stable with all the members giving their full support, and as long as each group recognized the morals of the others as different but not inherently wrong, then many conflicts could be avoided (like Crusades). A focus on judging laws and morals according to how they better a social system rather than as objective facts could also be helpful (such as would legal drug use or the illegal drug trade causing more damage to the society).

            I’m tempted to go on about my opinions on the social contract and other thoughts but I think this is enough moral/political philosophy for now. I think my postulation that morals are relative base on the social system in which they exist is sound, and I fail to come up with a moral idea that can’t be reversed within another viable system. The first way to apply this idea is to be more tolerant of the morals and cultures different from my own. This is easy for me with my non-coercion leanings, and leaving others to their own devices is what I do naturally. In conclusion, I agree with the belief that no one does evil intentionally, but my interpretation is that they just don’t agree on what actions are the most beneficial for society.

Top Ten (Twenty One) Video Games

                I’ve been hesitant to write about video games on this blog. It’s not the most accessible topic as I’m prone to use lots of jargon while discussing it, but then I realized that my word choices probably lead to a few unfamiliar terms in many of my posts (lubricity is such a perfect word for describing dolphins). What follows is a collection of mini-rants about the games that have left the largest impression on me through my life. These will probably be completely meaningless to anyone who hasn’t played the particular games and many of them are obscure, so here goes.

1.  Diablo II: PC – This game combines power fantasy and the experience of looting and leveling in the perfect mix. Add in tight and simple game mechanics that still involve variety and depth, and you get what I consider to be a timelessly good game. I did some further writing about this game on a short lived Diablo III blog. In short, this game is pure freebased fun, without any intrusive story, moral choices, or visual setpieces. What it does have is a bunch of monsters to kill, loot to collect, and levels to gain, and that is all you need.

2.  Morrowind: X-box – This was the peak of immersive world gaming for me. I once wrote a long manifesto against the evils of instant travel and level scaling that has ruined this genre for me, but I won’t subject you to all that. What I do like is a large open world packed with things to see and do, but where nobody sleeps because I really don’t enjoy needing to wait around for my favorite pawn broker to open their shop. This game also had great power fantasy value paired with a sense of progression, since you need to gain a few levels before you become an invincible being of pure adventure (in Diablo II you basically start out as a rabid tsunami of extirpation)

3.  Halo: X-box – My personal peak of the shooter genre. A fun campaign (except the Library, screw that level) with solid co-op, and the best multiplayer game I have ever experienced. The multiplayer was so good due to the majesty that is a LAN party, before the days when easy online multiplayer made LAN mainly a thing of the past. Also, more guns in a game are not better, especially when all you could possibly need is a single scoped pistol.

4.  NBA Jam: SNES – The Jams; they can only be matched by the Slams. For those not familiar with this game, it is 2v2 basketball where you always use the sprint button, you can do triple front-flip dunks from the free-throw line (along with many other fun and exciting dunk animations), defense consists of shoving your opponent to the ground, breaking the backboard is a common occurrence (but only in the fourth quarter or overtime), and you can play as Bill Clinton and Al Gore but not Michael Jordan. I should also mention that every game is a nail biter, the commentary is delightfully over the top, and I have become physically sore while playing this game because it’s so intense.

5.  Command and Conquer (Tiberian Dawn): PC – This is my first real experience with RTS games and it is therefore indelibly etched into my memory. Factors that make it still stand out for me are the lack of a population cap and slowly renewing resources that means the only limit on army size is the time you’re willing to spend building it and the amount the game engine can handle before crashing. I also like the old school tile base unit placement, so that I can make walls of tanks. Other factors are a great mix of modern tech with science fiction elements, a stupendous soundtrack from Frank Klepaki, and Joe Kucan (and his most sinister goatee).

Pretty sure at least 99% of Kane's charisma comes from the facial hair

6.  Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic: X-box – This game still has the best story and the best characters of any game I have ever played. The act 2 plot twist legitimately blew my mind, and the fact that I could seduce Bastila also blew my mind. I have fond memories of Carth and Bastila like they were actual childhood friends, and still have strong hostile feelings towards Jolee Bindo. I also think that Mission’s butt gave me xenophilia (if you are outraged at this comment about a 14 year old character you should know that I was 14 when this game came out). The dark side ending was pretty sweet too.

What can I say, I was pretty easily aroused at 14

7.  Age of Empires II: PC – The top things I like about this game (plus expansion) in order are Petards, Trebuchets, and building walls (so many walls). I also learned some semi accurate history, which is nice. This game really hit my favorite historical period for reenacting battles, since guns just take all the fun out of everything and gaining a huge tactical advantage from having longer lances than everyone else isn’t cool enough for me. The huge variety of historic factions is also great, because who hasn’t wanted to see war elephants fight Vikings?

8.  Portal: PC – The smartest game I have ever played. Not just because it involves clever puzzle solving and intelligent humor, but also that fact that Valve (my favorite developer, see Half-Life and Team Fortress 2 from this list) exhaustively play tested the game and tweaked and trimmed everything to give the best possible experience. The game mechanic of placing and moving through portals is also brilliantly fun and interesting, and I have enjoyed simply playing with portals almost as much as the structured game.

9.  Half-Life: PC – Any game in which you get to play as a theoretical physicist is pretty good by me. Not only does the story involve physics but there are fun physics gameplay elements as well, and visuals that got everything out of the existing technology of the time. I played this game after having already played the sequel, and I was totally satisfied with the graphics (I played with my graphics boosted by Blue Shift, so they were a little better than the original). This game just has an old timey charm (in computer terms anything more than ten years old is old timey) and simplicity that is the reason I prefer it over the newer sequel.

10.  Bioshock: PC – This game wields atmosphere like nothing I’ve ever played. The richness and detail of the under-water, Ayn Rand-esque dystopia is superb. Everything is really original and fits together flawlessly. This game is a perfect example of how video games can be a superior medium for storytelling. The gameplay is also fun, which is basically just bonus.

11.  Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past: SNES – This game had a religious status for me when I was younger. In the game I felt that everywhere I went there were things to do, explore, and puzzle out. The mechanic of collecting items to gain skill to then solve more puzzles to collect more items was very engaging and satisfying. When I call my regard for this game religious I’m not exaggerating. Once when I was young I made a prayer to the “Zelda Gods” to help me win a pinewood derby. It must have worked because I did end up winning (that or my Dad is just wicked good at making pinewood derby cars).

12.  Dynasty Warriors III: X-box – This is something that I consider to be a cult favorite. The premise is you play as your favorite warrior in ancient China using various logical (a spear), illogical (a 6’ long 2’ wide sword), or extremely illogical (a flute) weapons to kill hundreds of regular soldiers and every enemy officer you can find. You also level up and get loot and stuff, and at this point in the series there was the smallest hint of a story connection the battles. This is another power fantasy game, but playing cooperatively has also been a major part of the game for me since I have almost always played it with friends. I like this game so much (and the later sequels) that I read the books it was base on.

13.  Heroes of Might and Magic III: PC – Another cult favorite, this time a Turn Base Strategy game with a fantasy setting (if you couldn’t guess from the name). It features various factions (knights, demons, elves, and orcs are common among others), and heroes with might or magic based abilities to aid you in your conquests, naturally. Army unit numbers often exist in the hundreds if not thousands which is entertaining, even if they only operate as a single chess-piece-like unit in combat. Favoritism is a major component of why I like this game, since picking a favorite faction and favorite heroes and then trying to use them exclusively is something that I enjoy. I have also played the many games of this series (the third being the best one in my opinion) with friends quite a bit through my life, and when I have many such fond memories tied to a game it’s not surprising when it shows up in my top ten (twenty one).  

14.  Grand Theft Auto: Vice City: X-box – Inspiration from the 1980’s makes any game better. This is my favorite iteration of the Grand Theft Auto series, which are the king of the open world sandbox genre. Other than the 80’s reference, in this game I had a mansion with a helicopter on the roof, and none of the other games can compete with that. If I had to explain why GTA games are fun I guess I would say freedom (to crash cars and get into gunfights with police?).

15.  Barkley, Shut Up and Jam: Gaiden, Chapter 1 of the Hoopz Barkley SaGa: PC – As a person with a semi-sarcastic love of Space Jam and the basketball scene in the 90’s, plus disdain for Japanese Role Playing Games, it’s like the humor in this game was made specifically for me (straight faced absurd humor is also a favorite of mine). When I first read the Wikipedia page about this game I just thought it was a joke because nothing so ridiculous could actually exist, but later when I played the game it was even more ridiculous than the Wikipedia plot summary.  The whole thing was created as a freeware game by some guys on the internet, and I admire that open sourceness.

Boo-yes

16.  Arcanum: PC – My definition of dialog based RPG’s. After this game I always play charismatic characters when I can due to how much I enjoyed gathering follower and solving problems with persuasion rather than force (no other game has been as satisfying since). I also fell in love with the world of the game. A deep steampunk fantasy universe, and the concept of magic and technology having difficulty operating in the same area is genius. This game even had my favorite ending of all time, when after the game was over they went back and showed how every town and village you had visited had been changed by your actions, for good or for bad.

17.  Super Mario World: SNES – A classic. I’m not totally sure what makes gameplay of moving from left to right through a level while trying not to bump into any bad guys so entertaining; I just know that it is. This game also featured many alternate level solutions to create multiple paths through the world, and that was a nice puzzle solving aspect. The 16-bit soundtrack is also redolent of my childhood.

18.  Splinter Cell Chaos Theory: X-box – My choice of the stealth genre. I prefer my stealth slow and methodical with creative ways to climb through the levels. This game also had my favorite co-op campaign of all time. The amount of tandem climbing moves, belayed descents, and timed take downs really hit the spot for me. Those night vision goggles are dead sexy by the way.

19.  Luftwaffe Commander: PC – A World War II fighter pilot flight simulator game, this one is pretty obscure. The experiences of shooting down French bombers, dogfighting with low flying Russian fighters, and dead-sticking a damaged plane back to earth were all things that I really enjoyed. It had enough realism to be fun (like jettisoning my long range fuel tank), but not too much to get in the way (I’d shot down over 250 enemy planes by the end of the war, and crashed at least a dozen planes of my own).

20.  Toy Commander: Sega Dreamcast – I never actually owned this game (or a Sega Dreamcast), but I have very fond memories of playing it at a friend’s house. The concept of the game was that you played as toy planes and trucks within appropriately scaled house environments. We used to engage in four player dogfights and it was one of my favorite multiplayer experiences of all time. The levels were always dense and maneuvering through the household objects was a large part of the gameplay. The selection of units to play as was also very diverse (I always picked helicopters, because even back then I strove to be different), and we would often pick vehicles from the same time period to add extra flare to the matches. 

21.  Team Fortress 2: PC – This game got me through some troubling times. I hated the experience of living in the dorms during my first two years of college, and I turned to escapist gaming to deal with it. I started out playing World of Warcraft, but since I’m not really into social gaming (or social anything) I never fit into the culture. I used it as a way to stay connected to people I knew from home, but I slowly grew to despise MMO’s due to the fact that social skills were too tied to game progression and the general trend of gameplay simplification (I went through one patch too many). I convinced one of my friends to join me in leaving the MMO scene and we went to Team Fortress instead (he was in the Navy and I believe as unhappy with his situation as I was). While still a social game (with a competitive focus), we played it as partners or rivals, with the relationship between us being the only one that mattered, and all the other players as just a part of the game. This game combined with a no talking policy between me and my roommate was largely responsible for keeping me sane during my second year of college.

      I think this list does a good job of showing what I love about video games. They have stupendous entertainment value with things like power fantasy and concrete measure of achievement, portray stories in an interactive medium, and are a great way to interact with others. I enjoy activities like baseball and snorkeling too, but I can’t toss a ball around after work with my friend who lives eight hours away. Depending on the game, they involve more thinking that most activities, which I support. These games and others have had large impacts on my life, and I think video games will continue to do so into my future.

Sarcasm Quotes - Revisited

            I’ve had a change of opinion about my Sarcasm Quotes idea. I’m still a fan of using a superscripted S in place of quotation marks to denote sarcasm, but I also suggested that regional accents should be included in this system. That was a terrible idea. It was brought on by my poor ability to write phonetically, and was basically a tool for laziness. It wouldn’t even work very well since having to write all of a foreign characters dialog with the same quotes would be tedious and wouldn’t carry any more meaning that just establishing an accent once, then using normal quotes. The plan was probably just to use them when making movie references and what not, but the accent is typically implied if the reader is familiar with the quote, so what’s the point?

            My new idea is to stay closer to the idea of sarcasm quotes, and use quotes to show other expressive forms of dialog. I made a new list using single letters that can be found on my Quotes List page.  It now includes quotes like A for Angry, M for Monotone, S for Sarcastic, and W for Whiney. I tried to find an elemental style of speech for each letter, since in my new system the styles are made to be combinable. Now you can write DS for Deadpan Sarcasm, ES for Excited Sarcasm, PS for Pained Sarcasm, or TS for Thoughtful Sarcasm. This makes it possible to not only show general sarcasm in dialog, but the specific type of sarcasm, which I’m pretty excited about. The other styles can be combined as appropriate too, but sarcasm seems to be the easiest one to mix, which is why I still consider it the backbone of the system. Maybe I just want to make sarcasm as fun to write as it is to speak.

            The major flaw with this idea is my own limited understanding of language. Separating and describing the elemental styles of speech seems like a job for a linguist, not for some dude with self-diagnosed Asperger’s. If I had a lot of money I’d fund the creation of a system, similar to how the Shavian Alphabet was done (which is a pretty sweet alphabet by the way, although I think phonetic alphabets should be more careful with their symbol choices so that bad handwriting won’t be a major issue), but I don’t, and working on it myself is more fun anyway. Suggested additions or improvements would be most appreciated though, and the system is still very much in a nascent state. I don’t even have styles for I and Y yet, and can’t think of a way to describe J for Jovial that isn’t exactly the same as E for Excited. The description in general are all fairly crude. I would love to do this well, since a general guide to expressive speech forms would be valuable even if it wasn’t codified into written language, but I just keep struggling with the difference between tone and pitch. I do think I was able to nail Q for Questioning though since a raise in pitch at the end is an easy one. If only everything were that simple.

The Shavian Alphabet

            In the end, this may just be another idea that is good in theory, but doesn’t really pan out in the execution. It’s fun to think about though, and expect to see some of these new quotes showing up in my future writing. I’m tempted to do some more dialog heavy writing, such as a short story or something to see if this system would be too tiresome when fully implemented (maybe it could spice up my old Jurassic Park erotic fanfiction). Sarcasm Quotes are an ongoing project that I will likely continue in the same random and unscientific manner in which it started. Until the next time.

Top Ten (Eighteen) Dinosaur Comics

            Dinosaur Comics are probably my favorite thing on the internet. Simply put, it is a web comic featuring dinosaurs in which the same clip art images are used in each comic with different dialog written in. This basic formula has created some of the funniest, most creative, and most thought provoking things that I have ever read. I’ve been reading for over five years now, and the site has also linked me to a large fraction of the other sites I frequent on the internet, so it has had a huge impact on the culture I have absorbed over the last few years. Here are some of my favorites out of the 2,451 comics that exist as of my posting.

1.  #1762 

This is just so impressive to me. To take the phrase “embrace terror” and turn it into something this stupendous is the peak of creativity. I also like the joke about semicolon use.

2.  #1979 

When I first read this I didn’t know where it was going but I knew I was intrigued. Then after reaching the end the realization of how it fit perfectly with hide and go seek blew my mind.

3.  #15 

I can’t explain why I find this so hilarious, but I just do.

4.  #431

The disgusting stories that they tell at the end are the best. I’m not even sure how a disease can be salacious, I just know I don’t what to catch it.

5.  #2150 

Turning the lyrics of an 80’s pop song into a Lovecraft-esque horror story gets me on multiple levels. This comic also feature some of T-rex amusingly named fiction characters. See also Angola Maldives and Antonio Tony.

6.  #2024 

This sort of joke where you describe something in a really highbrow manner and then end with a lowbrow punch line is irresistible to me. I try this style of joke a lot myself but never pull it off nearly as well as this.

7.  #888 

The raccoon and cephalopod neighbors are some of the many recurring characters that only appear off panel. Other such characters include God, the Devil, a tiny elephant that is a product of island dwarfism, a bug on T-rex’s nose, and Shakespeare. The silent panel two is also something that I enjoy.

8.  #2160

Coquettishly is a great adjective. This is another example of mixing highbrow and lowbrow humor.

9.  #2197 

This is actually a rewrite of the hypochondria comic that appeared before it, but adding wizards makes everything better.

10.  #501 

I always enjoy T-rex’s adventure in expression exploration, and adding an adjective to all self-identified nouns is something that I could really get behind.

11.  #1305

I now try to say totally intentional when I hurt myself. I also sometimes feel regrets that conversations didn’t come to their ideal conclusion.

12.  #2079 

The way that thon is used with reckless abandon to the detriment of the English language is a joy to behold. Gender-neutral pronouns are also pretty great. T-rex later decides that “bitches” is the best gender-neutral pronoun, but that’s another comic.

13.  #727 

You should never regret spill something on an architect. They are all terrible people. This comic also feature one of the rare swears that occur in the comic.

14.  #110 

He is so wise in many subjects while so naive in others. Failing to understand the social consequences of your actions is a thing that I can relate to.

15.  #139 

Amnesia is something that I have always thought would be cool. Short term memory loss would also be great (You would have no responsibilities for your actions).

16.  #1945 

Another As She Is Played made it into the list. I enjoy this in spite of the fact that I refuse to play Scrabble because I can’t handle the rejection.

17.  #1205 

Characters interacting with the narrator are great, especially when it’s in an antagonizing manner.

18.  #1127 

Saying ”contrast and compare” is super kulturny (this is my new replacement for classy, just FYI), and Yes, Virginia, There Is A Friggin’ Santa Clause is the best movie title ever.

Looking at my selections, I am willing to conclude that what I enjoy most is this comic’s ability to turn the simple into the sublime, and the jokes base on intellectual concepts and creative uses of the English language. Also the dinosaurs. I've reaped boundless enjoyment from this comic and will likely continue to do so into the future, and I hope that these examples might inspire others to do the same.

Time: The Finalest Frontier?

            Time travel, let’s talk about it. First off, to deal with causality crises and paradox problems, I’m going to assume infinite alternate universes, so as soon as you arrive in the past the universe divides at that point, therefore your actions are occurring in a new universe and can’t have effects on your personal past. With that out of the way we can focus on the physics and not the metaphysics. This post will cover three methods of time travel, their consequences, and some bonus conjectures from me. I should point out that this is specifically about traveling back in time, since traveling forward in time is possible with simple relativistic effects according to the current theories of physics, and is therefore isn't as fun to talk about.

            In fiction time travel is often shown as using some vehicle (DeLorean, Telephone Booth, Police Box, Steam Punk Contraption) where you punch in a date, watch some flashing lights, and then drop into your desired time period out of thin air. Sadly, I don’t think this is physically possible. In the generally accepted model of the universe, space and time are two aspects of the same thing (spacetime), and movement in this model is somewhat limited. To travel from one point to another, you need to travel through all the points in between. This means that to travel backward through time you should need to travel through all the corresponding spacetime, or more simply, your time machine needs to exist in all the space and time between your arrival and departure. Imagine building a machine, waiting a year, stepping into it and then stepping out the day after you finished building it. This may not sound very interesting, unless you’ve ever seen the movie Primer, which uses time travel this way and is great, if in a more cerebral way than less feasible time travel films. By the way, you may need to spend the same amount of time in the machine as is moved back in time, aka, traveling a month into the past involves sitting in a box for a month. This method would probably be best for short trips, and even then isn’t useful for much beyond sports betting and day trading in the stock market.

A viable time machine has its own special kind of charm

            Another method for traveling through time involves wormholes, which are always exciting. The general idea is to make a wormhole, move one end around at near the speed of light, then take advantage of the relativistic effects to time travel. To visualize this, picture two doorways that when walking through one, you instantly walk out of the other, regardless of the distance between them (feel free to add some extra sciency stuff around the doors to this picture. I recommend Tesla Coils). Now, similar to the Twin Paradox, you put one door in a spaceship and fly it around at near light speed for a while. Time at both doors is tracked, probably in a handsome LED display above the frame, and when you bring them back together they show a difference of five hours. In theory, if you where to look at one clock, step through the corresponding door, and then look at the clock of the door you just excited, you would see the same time (plus a few seconds naturally). You can’t travel to a time before the wormholes existing, so you can’t use this to blow Isaac Newton’s mind (unless you find some existing wormholes that somehow pulled this off naturally), but I still think this is stupendous. A potential problem with this is that you could create infinite feedback loops, which are generally bad. An example would be if you had wormholes one minute separate in time and facing each other at a distance of one light minute. If you were to shine a light from the older door into the younger it would emerge at the same time and place it originated, creating an infinite loop. Infinite energy created through this could maybe break the universe, but I’m not sure if it would be a problem. Interacting with this energy, including just observing it, would necessarily interrupt the loop at the beginning, negating the whole thing and making it of no consequence (unless it just instantaneously ends the universe, which is a lame consequence, so who cares). A cool thing that you could do similar to this would be to position the sides of a wormhole in such a way that falling through one would reposition you directly above it again (no time differences, since it would just cause problems). This would create an infinite fall, or technically, an infinite source of potential energy. You could easily run water through this, set up a turbine, and then generate electricity like mad (I wonder if this is how Aperture Science gets its power?). This isn’t creating energy or anything, since it's just using gravity, and if overused it could pull the planet out of orbit or something, but it could still be handy (I wonder if you could use this to propel a planet on purpose by basically pulling it with its own gravity?). Wormholes are just so spectacular that it is hard to think of anything that couldn’t be accomplished with the ample use of them.

This is what I imagine an infinite fall wormhole arrangement looking like

            A third way to travel back in time is based on some physicists having some fun with math. If you create crazy enough spacetime geometry you can plot a trajectory through it that would result in exiting before you enter. I don’t know the specifics, but I assume it involves concepts like negative mass or white holes, whose existence is dubious. If they do exist, this seems like the only scientifically legitimate way for someone to travel back in time if a manufactured device hasn’t already been created. A greatly simplified version of this is commonly used in the Star Trek universe, so I’m willing to call this version James T. Kirk approved (you can also create warp drives using this same kind of spacetime geometry witchcraft). If you want to write a scientifically accurate story that involves time travel motivated by revenge or fixing the wrongs of the past, then this method would probably be the best. In the theme of scientific accuracy you would need to account for the fact that such exotic spacetime geometries would only exist a large distance from Earth, so you would need to travel out to it and then back. This would take a while so you better account for that with some extra time traveling, while also employing cryogenic stasis or something similar during the commute. Finding these spacetime phenomena would also be difficult, since if you observed it from a distance it might not still exist when you arrive at its location. Also, surviving travel through this space would be difficult do to insane tidal forces and the like. Hmm, maybe you shouldn’t write a scientifically accurate time travel story. Probably the most interesting thing here is that physicists are spending time thinking about how to make time machines, which makes me very happy.

Looks simple enough to me

            I’ve come to a conclusion. The best method for traveling back in time would be for aliens to show up and give you access to a bunch of time machines that they have spaced throughout the past, preferably using wormholes. I think I’ll just wait for the wormholes, because they’ll make a when no different than a where, and that’s a concept so excellent that I can barely handle it.