Duck Facts

            It’s been I while since I’ve written anything, but what better way to come back than with more Duck Facts! Let’s just say that I have spent this hiatus in tireless research so that I could share these new and amazing facts about the universe’s greatest animal. Here they are:

1. A duck’s strength is proportional, by volume, to 42 Arnold Schwarzeneggers.
2. Duck webs are stronger and lighter than carbon nanotubes.
3. The pyramids were built by ducks.
4. Ground duck horn cures impotence, and also cancer.
5. In ancient Assyria the duck was a symbol of virtue.
6. Ducks are invisible to radar.
7. If you combine duck poop and diesel fuel you get napalm.
8. Cows with perfect karma are reincarnated as ducks.
9. The preening oil produced by a duck’s uropygial gland is waterproof, fireproof, blocks 99.99% of UVA and UVB rays, and smells like lilacs.
10. Ducks have 12 lives.
11. The Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle applies to ducks on a macroscopic level.
12. If you stare into a duck’s eyes you can see the meaning of life.
13. There is no word in the Finnish language that rhymes with duck.
14. Humans share 102% or our DNA with ducks (they have all of ours, plus some).
15. If a woman weighs the same as a duck she’s a witch (ducks also reverse newtification)
16. In Soviet Russia, ducks hunt you.
17. I would never lie about ducks.
18. Duck tears reverse aging.
19. Male ducks have a corkscrew shaped penis that can be up to 25% of the length of their bodies and is capable of explosive erections.
20. Ducks can survive indefinitely in vacuum and can withstand temperatures ranging from 6 to 1282 Rankine.
21. Some West African ducks have been known to spontaneously change sex from male to female in a single sex environment.
22. If a fox mates with a duck it produces a red furred flying mammal. It’s called a dox (nobody knows what it sounds like). If a dox breed with a ram it will give birth to a large wooly flying mammal, with horns. It’s called a rox. If a rox and a salamander have sex the baby is giant red flying lizard with horns that breathes fire. It’s called a shit.

Who's laughing now?

Sarcasm Quotes - Revisited

            I’ve had a change of opinion about my Sarcasm Quotes idea. I’m still a fan of using a superscripted S in place of quotation marks to denote sarcasm, but I also suggested that regional accents should be included in this system. That was a terrible idea. It was brought on by my poor ability to write phonetically, and was basically a tool for laziness. It wouldn’t even work very well since having to write all of a foreign characters dialog with the same quotes would be tedious and wouldn’t carry any more meaning that just establishing an accent once, then using normal quotes. The plan was probably just to use them when making movie references and what not, but the accent is typically implied if the reader is familiar with the quote, so what’s the point?

            My new idea is to stay closer to the idea of sarcasm quotes, and use quotes to show other expressive forms of dialog. I made a new list using single letters that can be found on my Quotes List page.  It now includes quotes like A for Angry, M for Monotone, S for Sarcastic, and W for Whiney. I tried to find an elemental style of speech for each letter, since in my new system the styles are made to be combinable. Now you can write DS for Deadpan Sarcasm, ES for Excited Sarcasm, PS for Pained Sarcasm, or TS for Thoughtful Sarcasm. This makes it possible to not only show general sarcasm in dialog, but the specific type of sarcasm, which I’m pretty excited about. The other styles can be combined as appropriate too, but sarcasm seems to be the easiest one to mix, which is why I still consider it the backbone of the system. Maybe I just want to make sarcasm as fun to write as it is to speak.

            The major flaw with this idea is my own limited understanding of language. Separating and describing the elemental styles of speech seems like a job for a linguist, not for some dude with self-diagnosed Asperger’s. If I had a lot of money I’d fund the creation of a system, similar to how the Shavian Alphabet was done (which is a pretty sweet alphabet by the way, although I think phonetic alphabets should be more careful with their symbol choices so that bad handwriting won’t be a major issue), but I don’t, and working on it myself is more fun anyway. Suggested additions or improvements would be most appreciated though, and the system is still very much in a nascent state. I don’t even have styles for I and Y yet, and can’t think of a way to describe J for Jovial that isn’t exactly the same as E for Excited. The description in general are all fairly crude. I would love to do this well, since a general guide to expressive speech forms would be valuable even if it wasn’t codified into written language, but I just keep struggling with the difference between tone and pitch. I do think I was able to nail Q for Questioning though since a raise in pitch at the end is an easy one. If only everything were that simple.

The Shavian Alphabet

            In the end, this may just be another idea that is good in theory, but doesn’t really pan out in the execution. It’s fun to think about though, and expect to see some of these new quotes showing up in my future writing. I’m tempted to do some more dialog heavy writing, such as a short story or something to see if this system would be too tiresome when fully implemented (maybe it could spice up my old Jurassic Park erotic fanfiction). Sarcasm Quotes are an ongoing project that I will likely continue in the same random and unscientific manner in which it started. Until the next time.

Top Ten (Nineteen) Jurassic Park Quotes

1.  "Don’t get cheap on me Dodgson" - This is just a quote I wish I could use every day. 

2.  "Shoot her, shoot her" - Bob Peck's line delivery is just so good.

3.  "Hold on to you butts" - Classy.

4.  "God help us we’re in the hands of engineers" - This is actually the case far more often than you might think, as in basically all the time.

5.  "Clever Girl" - Still not over how great his line delivery is.

6.  "Dodgson, Dodgson, we’ve got Dodgson here" - I suspect that I might feel that Dodgson related quotes are the sign of a true Jurassic Park fan, or I may just like saying the name?

7.  "Our lives are in your hands and you’ve got butter fingers?" with "I’m totally unappreciated in my time" - An amazing attack and defense on personal character.

8.  "Dr. Grant isn’t machine compatible" - I'm not sure if I think Grant is cool for having this trait, or the trait is cool for being associated with Grant, but it's cool either way so who cares.

9.  "I’m fairly alarmed here" - I'm fairly alarmed that Ian Malcolm is constantly saying really amazing things when no one is around and they aren't being properly appreciated.

10.  "Babies smell" - Truer words were never spoken.

11.  "I won’t tell anyone you threw up" - Dr. Grant is a master of comforting children.

12.  "Big Tim the human piece of toast" - I think he meant it as affectionate?

13.  "They’re flocking this way" - I guess I just enjoy taking a word from a previous statement and then using it in a new context on a basic level. I think that would be a form of pun.

14.  "And bingo… dino DNA" - It really only works with the accent.

15.  "It’s an interactive CD-ROM" - Someone getting excited about a now obsolete technology is entertaining to me.

16.  "Dino… droppings, droppings" - Oh Jeff, you can make any line interesting.

17.  "Are they heavy? Then they’re expensive, put them back" - The opposite is probably true today, but I enjoy that he only needs one attribute to judge somethings worth.

18.  "I hate trees" - You and me both buddy.

19.  "They’re moving in herds, they do move in herds" - This line would make more sense if Dr. Grant's theories about the social behaviors of dinosaurs had been more developed, but the idea of a scientist witnessing evidence for a hard to support theory makes me happy.

Jurassic Park: quite stALAN you inGRANT

                Finally. Finally I’m going to stop messing around and get to what we have all been wanting to hear (by we I mean just me). Alan Grant is my favorite thing about this movie. Here is a list of reasons why Dr. Grant is stupendous:

1. Is a digger
2. Not machine compatible
3. Knew about dinosaurs evolving into birds before anyone else
4. You have to blow dust off you palm after you shake hands with him
5. Is a direct descendant of Ulysses S. Grant
6. He doesn’t know any lawyers
7. Goes into fits of hysterics upon the mention of a living T-rex
8. Has 28 chromosome pairs
9. Can judge blood temperature to within a few degrees just by holding an animal
10. Carries a canteen, compass, Leatherman, and trowel
11. Communicates with Brachiosaurs
12. Invented disposable contact lenses in 1987
13. Breaths life into children
14. Pulls off the big hat and neck bandana look

Here are some pictures of Alan Grant being stupendous:

Stupendous

STUPENDOUS

 

SAVES CHILDREN

 

IS THE FONT FROM WHICH LIFE FLOWS

                Grant is rightfully the protagonist of this movie. He is the most relatable, likeable, and respectable character (facts, not opinions). Sam Neill might not have as much charisma to carry the role as Jeff Goldblum (though he is from New Zealand, so that counts for something), but he brings more depth to this character than the admitted character actor that is Goldblum. Grant is the moderate character of the cast and seems to be the most reasonable. During the “Chilean Sea Bass Debate” while every other person seems to take a firm stance in the argument, Grant literally says “I don’t want to jump to any conclusions”, and then says that nobody can really know what is going to happen (this is probably the best character scene in the movie, and the set was really different and interesting, but enough about that, more Alan Grant). He is the objective scientist, and remains that way through the entire movie. Some of my favorite moments in the film are when Grant observes the dinosaurs out in the park and gets so engrossed that he forgets that he is actually running for his life. When he finds the eggs he is alarmed by what they imply, but you can also see that he is ebullient to be holding an actual dinosaur egg (he even smells it). There is also the shot after the baby velociraptor scene that shows Grant alone at the raptor pen. I love this, because it implies the he found his own way there due to some sort of magnetic attraction to raptors. Then when Muldoon is giving him facts about the raptors he is completely enraptured. He never loses his sense of wonder about the dinosaurs, even after witnessing their more terrible aspects, and I have a ton of respect for that.

This is a dinosaur egg

                I also respect his take on the hero role. Grant doesn’t really do anything to get the park back on line but spends the movie trying to keep people alive. The best part is that he doesn’t do it with raw strength or violence, but with intelligence and nurturing. The one time he picks up a weapon it has no effect and he isn’t even shown using it. This may just be my bias for brains over brawn heroes, but I think that he is a good non-archetypal character.  Speaking of his nurturing aspects, let’s talk about character development. Over the course of the movie Grant goes from this:

Who does this kid think he is?

 to this:

You guys are alright

Learning to appreciate children may not be the deepest character arc but it is the best we have in the movie and I’m happy with it. This character trait was the best change from the book in my opinion (I haven’t been mentioning the book because I want this discussion to just be about the movie). Some great scenes are created, such as when he scares the chubby kid, when he keeps changing cars at the beginning of the tour, and when both children are asleep on his shoulders in the chopper home.  This character growth also strengthens his relationship with Sattler, so that’s good too. Romantically, Grant seems like a bit of a distracted monogamist, which I can relate to. I even appreciate how his costume changes through the movie, with his hat getting blown off by the T-rex, and his bandana gets tied over Tim’s electrical burns. There are not many things that I don’t like about Alan Grant.

He even finds time for humor in dark situations

                Now to defend what are said to be some of Alan Grants flaws. First is his failure to operate a seat belt. This may be due to his incompatibility with technology, but I think it is due to something more dramatic. Alan Grant doesn’t understand safety. Ian Malcolm may know all about chaos, but Alan Grant is chaos. When Dr. Alan Grant blinks his eyes it rains in China (or maybe a butterfly drops dead, whichever is more intense). Second is the fact that he failed to get out his Leatherman and cut through the electric fence. This is clearly just an example of his Montana sensibilities. A respectable person doesn’t go around cutting other peoples fences. They may go around trying to steal national parks and coal deposits, but people from Montana are generally polite (can you tell I grew up in Wyoming?). Alan Grant is without flaw is all I’m saying.

If you don't agree you deserve a kick in the face

                In conclusion, Alan Grant it just another amazing part of an excellent movie. My only complaint is the negative depiction of technology, and the only improvement I could suggest would be to have made the main raptor more visually distinctive. I will close with a finally screenshot showing a tender moment between Hammond and Malcolm. 

It's cold in that bunker

Jurassic Park: That’s, that’s chaos theory

                To talk about Ian Malcolm, first I’m going to have to talk about Jeff Goldblum. I am a really, REALLY big Jeff Goldblum Fan. Jeff makes quirky intellectuals funny and sexy. If you don’t think he’s sexy then take a look at these.

 

He has a strut like a man-panther

Is it hot in there or is it just Jeff?

He is just bursting with charisma. Doubters should know that he married Geena Davis (who he played the sexy smart-guy opposite off a multiple times), and he dated Laura Dern after this movie. This proves that the water drops on the hand trick is the greatest pick-up move in the history of science (tragically, if it were repeated by anyone but Jeff Goldblum it would only be a sad imitation). His line delivery is the greatest thing since William Shatner and we have the same birthday, which is neat. Now I am going to try to look past all the Goldblum (oh so much Goldblum), and give an unbiased appraisal of the character Ian Malcolm.

                First, the things I like about Ian Malcolm. He’s a loose cannon, and I like loose cannons. Specifically, he is a loose cannon mathematician (chaotician), which is the second greatest kind of loose cannon you can be (theoretical physicist being the greatest). He is also not afraid to apply his math theories to everything, and then explain them in detail, and people actually listen. This seems to be due to sheer force of personality (and maybe sexiness).  Whenever I try to explain the temperature-volume-pressure relationship of gasses, or talk about Schrodinger's Cat my listeners eyes just glaze over. Not so for Ian Malcolm. He also has impressive fortitude, both mental and physical. He can tourniquet and splint (with his belt and bamboo from the destroyed bathroom) his own leg after being attached by a tyrannosaur, and can then quip about his situation at the first opportunity (“Remind me to thank John for a lovely weekend”). On top of all that, he can read a schematic while high on morphine, which is impressive.

               

He's fairly alarmed her

                Now, for the things that I don’t like about Ian Malcolm. The most minor is his cavalier attitude towards divorce, especially ones involving children. Loose cannons aren’t exactly known for having stable marriages, but from how he describes it, he sounds like he doesn’t even really care. I might add his flirting with Sattler in front of Grant to my dislikes, but Sattler never did anything to discourage him (because she didn’t realize what he was doing, not because she's a tease), so he can’t really be blamed too much. Next is flare scene. Malcolm’s actions in this situation seem to me like the unsolicited aide of someone who is under qualified that ends up making things worse, and I really dislike that sort of behavior. The look in his eyes as he lights the flare just tells the story of desired heroics. Sure he was only trying to help, but sometimes you just need to leave things to the experts. Speaking of experts, I don’t really agree with Malcolm’s interpretations of Chaos Theory either. When he states that control over nature isn’t possible and that life will break down barriers I don’t buy his analysis. Order can be brought to any chaotic system with the expenditure of enough energy. Properly maintained electric fences will keep a seven ton T-rex in its pen. The failure was caused by one man, which I don’t think qualifies as chaos, and the fact that the dinosaurs all instantly broke out upon the loss of power seems a bit far-fetched to me (the raptors being the exception since their intelligent attempts to escape had already been mentioned). Life evolving and breaking free is something that can and does happen, but evolution works on a near geologic timescale. Life may break free, but not over a weekend. Finally, the character trait that I dislike most about Ian Malcolm is the fact that he is against technological progress. His views are summed up in the quote “What you call discovery, I call the rape of the natural world.” This is a statement that I can absolutely not support. I prefer Hammond’s “Creation is an act of sheer will” which seemed to be played as a negative statement in the film's context. Looking at it, this whole movie seems to have an anti-progress tilt, and that is probably the only thing that I don’t like about it.

Quit trying to be as cool as Dr. Grant

                In spite of all those things, I still have fond feeling for Ian Malcolm. I attribute this to the charisma of Jeff Goldblum, and if this role had been played by anyone else I don’t think I would feel the same way. He has his flaw though, so unlike most people I know, Malcolm is not my favorite character. I will give you one guess who is.

Hammond may hate you but I think you're alright

Jurassic Park: Characstravaganzabrationpaloozaness

                Mhhhhhh, I love the characters in this movie so much. They are all so great. This may just be a symptom of seeing a movie a few dozen times but I just feel like even the minor characters are full of depth and personality. I going to run through my favorites one at a time starting with the more minor ones and moving up to the major one.  This mean no Alan Grant or Ian Malcolm this time, because anticipation.

                I don’t even know the name of the first character I want to look at. I don’t want to know his name, and all I can say about him can be captured in a single frame, so here it is.

 

You could have pulled a gun on him

                Now for one of my personal favorites, Lewis Dodgson. Basically Dodgson works for a rival genetics company and he want to steal some (viable) embryos from Jurassic Park. He is basically the person that creates the human against human conflict of the movie. I really like how he is in no way the stereotypical dark and sinister evil businessman, and he actually come across as a dork. He is nervous and uneasy during his clandestine meeting, and only looks comfortable when he gets to bust out his shaving cream / embryo storage gadget. Nedry has to call him over, which makes me think he has poor facial recognition, which is a sign or poor social skills. I just imagine him as being the head of a department at his company, and nobody there likes him. I also notice for the first time while watching the movie for this post that he stiffs the cabbie that delivers him to the scene, which is just one of those little details that I enjoy.

 

Dodgson, Dodgson, we've got Dodgson here

                Ray Arnold is the coolest engineer in a movie ever (not that he has a lot of competition). This is in my opinion, Sam Jackson’s best role. He really nails the master computer nerd who can use a mouse and keyboard to solve problems with aplomb. He never loses his cool when the situations get out of control, because fixing things is his job and he doesn’t believe that any dilemma is bigger than he can handle. He gets move disheveled as the plot progresses, but I see this not as someone falling apart, but someone getting comfortable and into their element. Arnold is the one who drives all the conflict resolution. I am pretty sure they had to have him get eaten just so some of the other characters could get a change to fix stuff (they had to kill him off-screen because any scene of him losing was just too unbelievable). He knows the answers to all the questions, smokes cigarettes into the filters, and has a stupendous catch phrase, what more could you want?

 

I wish I was half the engineer as this guy

                I’m not supposed to like Donald Gennaro, but I still do. I don’t think the audience was meant to sympathize with this character. Mainly because he is a lawyer, and not the cool courtroom type of lawyer but the lame one who works for a corporation and his job is telling people what they aren’t allowed to do. He spends most of his time being mocked by the other characters, and then gets the most violent death of the film. Donald is relegated to the background in most scenes and almost all of his lines are whiny or incompetent. I don’t care about all that and I like him for that moment when he slips on the rocks outside the amber mine.

 

Can't pull off shots

                Dennis Nedry is the primary human antagonist of the movie. He is greedy (for both money and candy), and misanthropic (as clued by his Oppenheimer photo and programming booby-traps). I also get the feeling that he is a bit of a victim as a private programming contractor who gets stuck in a bad contract with an unsympathetic corporation (although it is really hard to say who is at fault in disputes like that). Nedry is the kind of person who is good at planning (“I’ve got an 18 minute window”), but rubbish in the execution. He is also a terrible liar, as seen in the whole “Does anybody want a soda” monolog. By far my favorite Nedry scene is when he is out in the rain after crashing his Jeep, because he just has one classic line after another. “I can afford more glasses” (not new but more, so I get the idea of him buying a hundred pairs just because he’s rich), “You can do it, come on Dennis” (because self-motivation in a crisis situation is important), “I have no food on me” (I suspect that he actually does but he is keeping it for himself), and “I’m going to run you over when I come back down” (revealing his dark nature). In the end Nedry is an example of why you should always pay programmers well, because they can make your life hell.

 

This was a slick move regardless of his other blunders

                Lex Murphy is the good hacker (interactive CD-ROM are cool) of the film, showing that hackers aren’t necessarily evil and it is more a matter of how power is wielded (which I think could use some more emphasis in the media). Sure she only navigates a file structure, but it was a crazy 3-D interface and in the early 90’s computer skills were more of a big deal. She and her younger brother Tim were sent to visit their grandfather (Hammond) at the park while their parents went through a divorce. She is probably the least interested in dinosaurs of anyone in the movie and I get the feeling that she only went along to look after Tim. She may tease him a lot but in the end she saves his life by distracting one raptor, and again by helping him lock another in the freezer. She also helps fill the quota for romantic subplots in the film, since she clearly is in love with Alan Grant (and who could blame her). Lex is one of only two named female characters in the movie, but she fails to have a conversation with Sattler, so Jurassic Park only passes one third of the Bechdel Test. All in all, I really respect her for sticking to her vegetarianism in a stressful situation, but I also think that a vegetarian should know what an herbivore is (I think she was in it for animal sympathy reasons though due to the “I like cows” line).

 

Young love

                If I was inserted into this movie I would be Tim Murphy. He was the only character around my age, and he had a boyish love of dinosaurs and adventure. Ironically, being the youngest character, Tim endures more hardship in this movie than anyone else. First he is rudely snubbed by his idol Dr. Grant, abandoned by Gennaro during a crisis, trapped in a vehicle that gets thrown over a cliff by a Tyrannosaurs Rex, nearly crushed as that vehicle crashes down a tree (enacting the classic movie trope of running straight away from something instead of to the side and out of danger), witnesses the violent devouring of a gallimimus (“Look how much blood”), dies for a little while after an electric shock launches him to fall about 20 feet, has to outrun a cheetah speed predator on ice while suffering from a case of Ankylosaurus, and on top of all that his parents are getting divorced. The next sequel should just be adult Tim dealing with his post-traumatic stress disorder.

 

He also made poor nutrition choices, just like me at that age

                Robert Muldoon steals every single scene that he is in. His line delivery is so intense that basically everything he says is a classic quote. He is a grizzled big game hunter who has “hunted most things that can hunt you”, and rocks the khaki accordingly (dude probably shaves with a Bowie Knife). The person who understands the dinosaurs best, and has the most respect for how dangerous they are, Muldoon is disregarded as “an alarmist” by Hammond, who happens to be his boss.  He is also the person that Hammond sends to bring back his grandchildren when things go wrong, and Muldoon goes out with nary an “I told you so”. He is the man of action, out there driving Jeeps, shooting guns, and tranquilizing Triceratops. I have an attraction to shotgun in movies and video games, and Muldoon is clearly a fan of the SPAS-12, which happens to be one of the coolest shotguns ever, so I’m a fan of that too. His main character trait is probably his hatred for the Velociraptors, which is understandable after Jophery was killed in his arms during the intro. This eventually drives him to go out to face the raptors mano-a-mano, but the raptors fail to fall for his hat on a log trick, and using group tactics eat him. I think that he understood this to be the probable outcome, and was only trying to provide Sattler with enough time to reset the breakers, which he did, so it was a noble sacrifice.

 

Can pull off shorts

                Take an out of touch billionaire idealist and combine him with a doting grandfather and you have John Hammond. Jurassic Park is his life’s work, and likely his last chance to create something that captures the world’s imagination. He has an all-consuming desire to create something magical, and has to watch as his creation falls apart with him and people he cares about trapped inside. This is the character with the most meaningful development in the film, and is carried by Richard Attenborough, who is the most legitimate actor in the cast. His “melting ice-cream” scene with Laura Dern (second best actor in the film) is such a powerfully executed non-action scene that it seems a bit out of place in this movie. It is the point where Hammond realizes that his work is a failure and all he can do now is try to get everyone out alive. His reach exceeded his grasp, and in his rush to “spare no expense” his creation turned into a monster. Certainly a tragic character.

 

He really loves the dinosaurs

                I recently developed the habit of analyzing female characters more critically, but I think Ellie Sattler continues to hold up. She is strong (physically and emotionally as seen in her survival of the raptor attack), competent (top of her field in paleobotany), and has an important role in the plot (finds Malcolm, restarts the power, kind of helps Grant hold the door). She may not be the main character but I still think that she is a good character. She is portrayed as being a feminist with lines like “Dinosaurs eat man, woman inherits the earth” and “we can discuss sexism in survival situation when I get back”, but I don’t feel qualified to say if this was a good thing or a bad thing. She did get stuck with the stereotype of trying to manipulate Grant into liking children, and they didn’t follow up on her storyline of figuring out why the triceratops was sick, so not an uncontested victory for women in film. All I know is that she pulls off the scariest scene in the movie (in the bunker with the velociraptors) very well.

Can definitely pull off shorts

                Ten down, two to go. I have a hard time thinking of many other movies that have this many memorable characters. Next time I will examine the eternal grudge match between Ian Malcolm and Alan Grant.

Jurassic Park: A Movie So Good, It Probably Didn't Even Need Dinosaurs

Uh oh, it’s time for another movie post (aka series of posts). This time we are looking at Jurassic Park, which just so happens to be my favorite movie. I have seen this movie more times than any other, and it was pretty much my whole life when I was six years old. This movie was released in 1993, was directed by Steven Spielberg, and was based on a book by Michael Crichton. Those names are probably all you need to hear to know that this is a great movie. Spielberg is probably the greatest action/adventure movie director ever, and Crichton writes excellent books for adaptation into movies. It was also scored by John Williams, who is responsible for some of the most iconic movie music ever (his movie credits make Kenny Loggins and Harold Faltermeyer look like chumps, and those two ain’t chumps).  If anyone can pack 65 million years’ worth of adventure into one movie, it is these guys (Science Note: The term 65 million years was used throughout the movie. The source is the fact that the Cretaceous Period ended 65 million years ago, aka the end of the reign of the dinosaurs. The Jurassic Period was actually 145 million years ago, but since the dinosaurs in the movie are taken from throughout the Mesozoic Era, it’s not really a big deal. Jurassic Park is catchier than Mesozoic Park any day. The only time I might have a problem with its use is when Grant says “You can’t just suppress 65 million years of gut instinct” since the T-Rex didn’t exist in nature that long, but the line is still sweet and Alan Grant can do no wrong in my book so I will let it slide. End Science Note.) Now I could go through this movie scene by scene and point out all the things that I think are stupendous, but I will try to restrain myself and today we will just cover the basics of what make this movie so amazing. Massive spoiler warning, so if you haven’t seen this movie, I highly recommend you watch it (I also recommend you should watch it if you just haven’t seen in it a while, or even if you just finished watching it, it bears repeating).

So the movie opens with some shaky bushes at night, cuts to a chubby guy, more bushes, dude chewing gum, bushes again, then this.

This guy is here to let all the people who expected a romantic comedy know that they are in the wrong theater

We are shown a mysterious box, there is some un-subtitled Spanish being yelled (which is a nice trick to convey mood without explaining exactly what is happening), the location is given as Isla Nublar - 120 miles west of Costa Rica, and after the box is set down the intense chap with the shotgun starts giving orders to pushing teams and about Taser charges. Animal growling and screaming are emitted from the box and the pushing team reacts to this with fright. The box is pushed into position by the pushing team, the pushing team steps away (I really like the idea of a pushing team if you haven’t noticed but they aren’t in the film any more, which is a shame, so I will stop talking about them), then Jophery the Gatekeeper is introduced (to help us deal with the lost of the pushing team, last mention, I promise). The gate raising goes awry (despite the fact that some ambiguous locks were successfully engaged) and Jophery is violently pulled into the box. There is then some intense shots of the (at the moment un-named) intense chap struggling to pull the gatekeeper out, with plenty of shocky Taser action, and close-ups of a sinister reptilian eye. The scene ends with intense chap yelling “Shoot her, shoot her” while losing his grip on the death rattling Jophery and it cuts away to the sound of gun shots. All this takes place in less than three minutes. I know I promised not to go through this movie scene by scene, by I think since this is the first thing that you see, it is important. In story telling terms, this part of the movie is called The Hook, and I think it is super effective in this case. A possibly evil mega corporation is hinted at by all the weapon toting guys in matching jumpsuits and hardhats, danger is established, our main antagonist is introduced as a powerful and mysterious creature, and the plot of the movie is set in motion. It was also very entertaining as an action scene, so we are off to a good start.

                The strong start is just one example of how Jurassic Park contains all the core components of a good movie. This movie doesn’t push any boundaries (other than special effects), and doesn’t give any moving social commentaries or anything like that. What is does do is provide an entertaining unadulterated cinematic experience.  Let’s look at the plot. It is easy to follow while being chocked full of action, drama, suspense, and excitement. I will now present it as a series of bad decisions.

• Dangerous work environment  that lead to death of worker
• $20 million dollar lawsuit over dead worker
• Investors start inspection that consists of sending three scientist and a lawyer on a weekend trip
• Conspiring to corporate theft
• (Happened earlier but now introduced) meddling with science that you don’t fully understand
•  Unwittingly unleashing powerful  forces
• Failing to throw a flair properly while trying to imitate the legend that is Dr. Grant (not really that important to the plot, but a really bad decision)

The rest of the movie is just damage control as the characters try to survive the repercussion of all those bad decisions. Any of those decisions could probably make a movie by themselves, but all of them combine to escalate a situation into a frantic struggle for survival. It also involves the classic theme of being hosted by your own petard / brought down by your own hubris, which is always good. Add a few dinosaurs and you have yourself a winner. Don’t let me forgot the nice setup and reward in the movie with Grant describing a raptor attach early in the film and an attack unfolding in just that manner later in the film. The T-rex vision based on movement premise is also introduce in that scene, so a lot of foreshadowing going on there (Science Note: The visual acuity of a Tyrannosaurus Rex was almost certainly not based on movement, but it did make for a tense action scene, so I will let it slide again, also Alan Grant rules all the schools).

                The overall structure is clearly well built, but were the movie magic is really apparent to me is in the individual scenes. Here are some of my favorite shots from the movie.

They're moving in herds

Various reaction to children

Various reaction to feminism

Those Cryo Tanks are incredibly tech-sexy to me

Best climax ever?

The sets are detailed and interesting, the characters are blocked in ways that fit the setting but let you see everyone, and the CGI and animatronics is well integrated into the shots. It has subtle stuff like the violent storm in the beginning of the second act as an analogy for the forces of nature being unleashed while also serving the plot. Even the fact that the costuming has all of the main characters wearing different colors is great. When you have names like Spielberg and Industrial Light and Magic in the credits, quality work is not a surprise, but I just really appreciate how well this movie was made. The three academy awards that it won were for sound and special effect, but that is generally all you can expect with a science fiction action movie. Schindler’s List, another Steven Spielberg/John Williams film, dominated the awards that year, and I’m not sure if you can even get nominated for two movies in the same category in the same year. Everybody in this movie seems like they brought their A-game.

                All the aspects of Jurassic Park combine into a perfect storm of good movieness, but even with everything that I have just described I am still forgetting the most important part. The Characters. This post has already gone on long enough, so will have to cover that in the next one. Join me then, and will see how long that ends up being (probably two posts long).