To talk about Ian Malcolm,
first I’m going to have to talk about Jeff Goldblum. I am a really,
REALLY big Jeff Goldblum Fan. Jeff makes quirky intellectuals funny and sexy.
If you don’t think he’s sexy then take a look at these.
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| He has a strut like a man-panther |
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| Is it hot in there or is it just Jeff? |
He is just
bursting with charisma. Doubters should know that he married Geena Davis
(who he played the sexy smart-guy opposite off a multiple times),
and he dated Laura Dern after this movie. This proves that the water drops on
the hand trick is the greatest pick-up move in the history of science (tragically,
if it were repeated by anyone but Jeff Goldblum it would only be a sad imitation).
His line delivery is the greatest thing since William Shatner and we have the
same birthday, which is neat. Now I am going to try to look past all the
Goldblum (oh so much Goldblum), and give an unbiased appraisal of the character
Ian Malcolm.
First, the things I like about
Ian Malcolm. He’s a loose cannon, and I like loose cannons. Specifically, he is
a loose cannon mathematician (chaotician), which is the second greatest kind of
loose cannon you can be (theoretical physicist being the greatest). He is also
not afraid to apply his math theories to everything, and then explain them in
detail, and people actually listen. This seems to be due to sheer force of
personality (and maybe sexiness).
Whenever I try to explain the temperature-volume-pressure
relationship of gasses, or talk about Schrodinger's Cat my listeners
eyes just glaze over. Not so for Ian Malcolm. He also has impressive fortitude,
both mental and physical. He can tourniquet and splint (with his belt and
bamboo from the destroyed bathroom) his own leg after being attached by a
tyrannosaur, and can then quip about his situation at the first opportunity
(“Remind me to thank John for a lovely weekend”). On top of all that, he can
read a schematic while high on morphine, which is impressive.
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| He's fairly alarmed her |
Now, for the things that I don’t
like about Ian Malcolm. The most minor is his cavalier attitude towards
divorce, especially ones involving children. Loose cannons aren’t exactly known
for having stable marriages, but from how he describes it, he sounds like he
doesn’t even really care. I might add his flirting with Sattler in front of
Grant to my dislikes, but Sattler never did anything to discourage him (because
she didn’t realize what he was doing, not because she's a tease), so he can’t
really be blamed too much. Next is flare scene. Malcolm’s actions in this
situation seem to me like the unsolicited aide of someone who is under
qualified that ends up making things worse, and I really dislike that sort of
behavior. The look in his eyes as he lights the flare just tells the story of
desired heroics. Sure he was only trying to help, but sometimes you just need
to leave things to the experts. Speaking of experts, I don’t really agree with
Malcolm’s interpretations of Chaos Theory either. When he states that control
over nature isn’t possible and that life will break down barriers I don’t buy his analysis. Order can be brought to any chaotic system with the expenditure of
enough energy. Properly maintained electric fences will keep a seven ton T-rex
in its pen. The failure was caused by one man, which I don’t think qualifies as
chaos, and the fact that the dinosaurs all instantly broke out upon the loss of
power seems a bit far-fetched to me (the raptors being the exception since their
intelligent attempts to escape had already been mentioned). Life evolving and
breaking free is something that can and does happen, but evolution works on a
near geologic timescale. Life may break free, but not over a weekend. Finally,
the character trait that I dislike most about Ian Malcolm is the fact that he
is against technological progress. His views are summed up in the quote “What
you call discovery, I call the rape of the natural world.” This is a statement
that I can absolutely not support. I prefer Hammond’s “Creation is an act of sheer
will” which seemed to be played as a negative statement in the film's context. Looking at it, this
whole movie seems to have an anti-progress tilt, and that is probably the only
thing that I don’t like about it.
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| Quit trying to be as cool as Dr. Grant |
In spite of all those things, I still have fond
feeling for Ian Malcolm. I attribute this to the charisma of Jeff Goldblum, and
if this role had been played by anyone else I don’t think I would feel the same
way. He has his flaw though, so unlike most people I know, Malcolm is not my
favorite character. I will give you one guess who is.
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| Hammond may hate you but I think you're alright |
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