Don’t Go In the Water

            Let’s talk about dolphins, or as I like to call them, CRAZY SEX FIENDS OF THE SEA. You heard me.

            Dolphins are a beast of pure lubricity and are not to be trusted. Supposedly one on the Earth’s most intelligent animals, they sure have a funny way of showing it. Instead of developing tools or modifying their environment they seem to spend their time coming up with new forms of debauchery. While we’re stuck here on land with our thumbs and our jobs, they’re living an aquatic life of hedonism filled with eating fish and WILD ORGIES. Did I say wild orgies? Sorry, I meant WILD BI-SEXUAL ORGIES. George Washington did not invent marriage so that these prurient porpoises could roll around in a big naked pile. I can almost imagine how these things happen when dolphins don’t even BOTHER TO WEAR CLOTHES. If they were so smart they would develop the concept of shame and learn to cover themselves up, like respectable beings. But no, they just swim around with their smooth hairless bodies and don’t even have the decency to feel bad about it.

It's laughing at you

Oh, and some of that sex I mentioned earlier ISN’T EVEN CONSENSUAL. THAT’S RIGHT, SEA RAPE. If you haven’t canceled your trip Dolphin Quest yet you should know that they don’t limit these salacious assaults of the sea to their own kind. Other animals may be known to force sexual advances on their bipedal superiors, but none do it with the same despicable cunning as the dolphin. Man is far from capable in the water but do you think this vulnerability is appreciated? No, it’s TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF. They are not afraid to use their flaunted agility to take sexual gratification from the unsuspecting. No fish in the sea could ever be as monstrous as this mammalian molester.

Those are soulless eyes without compassion

            If that information wasn’t enough to enlighten you to the true nature of these contemptible cetaceans here are some more facts about dolphins.

1.  Global population is unknown due to their transient lifestyle

2.  Have excellent eyesight and hearing, the better to stalk with

3.  Possess 80-100 teeth, which are all sharp and pointy

4.  Hunt in highly coordinated groups

5.  Use strong bursts of echolocation as a weapon to stun victims 

6.  Orcas (aka Killer Whales), a species of dolphin, have been know attack and kill humans

7.  Can swim up to 25 mph so you can’t outrun them

8.  Can leap up to 20 feet in the air, so you aren’t safe above the surface 

9.  Only sleep half of their brains at a time, so they never half to stop hunting you

10.  Have exceptional healing ability so shoot to kill

The Least Compelling Thing I Can Write

            I may have broken upon a unifying theory of why I am the way I am. I have an all-encompassing aversion to compulsion. To start I will explain how I define compel. To compel means to use force to change the actions of another. Force is the most important word in that definition, and is what separates compulsion from related concepts like influence or persuasion. I’m using force to mean the application of strength or power (that’s the last definition I will give because I want to avoid a Russian Nesting Doll situation). Just explaining the words isn’t going to convey my meaning here, so I will try to do that now.

I get uncomfortable with words that can only be explained in relation to other words

            My aversion to compulsion means that I become uncomfortable when my actions are not self-determined, or when I interfere with the self-determined actions of others. If you’re thinking that this describes almost everything ever you’re correct, and that is why I believe that this has a major influence on almost everything I do, believe, or feel. If effects the way I work, write, drive, eat, poop, and think, not to mention the massive repercussions in all social interactions. I take a very passive role in all my relationships and can't remember a single occurrence of initiating a change in relationship status (such as changing from acquaintance to friend). I’ve never been a member of any unified groups, either as a leader or member, since such unification would almost certainly be compulsive in one way or another. This has got to be the major cause of why my romantic history has such paucity, since getting someone to like you is a compelling act (my poor ability to recognize any naturally occurring affection in others completes the package). The most positive thing about all this is that all my friends tend to be interesting individuals who have value far beyond the fact that they listen to the same music as me.

            To see the influences on my thinking I just have to look back through old blog posts. Anti-compulsion colors my thoughts in most of my more philosophical posts such as the ones on feminism and killing (my thoughts on tallness were actually pretty forceful, but I may have gotten a little carried away on that one). My love of the Ubermensch can be reduced to interpreting the Ubermensch as a person who is beyond compulsion, and my take on philosophical zombies were just people who are lost in compulsion. I already linked my history with women posts which are full of evidence. My ego post is essential just a nascent form of this one. I now see my desire to have no needs as perceiving needs as a compulsive force and railing against them. I even mentioned disliking having an influence on the actions of others in there, but just didn’t notice how it could be applied to everything else I have going on (another thing that I could change in that post is that I now describe my sexual orientation as being asexual, hetero-curious, and bi-envious, to make it ever more absurd). I even think that the writing style itself is demonstrative, with the framing of my content as personal ideas and opinions rather than facts that might carry more force. I’m sure this idea will come up in future posts as well, and someday I may be exploring the as yet unknown source of this dislike of compulsion, so this self-reference will probably continue.

Past actions seem like legitimate evidence for introspection

            Well this has been another stepping stone on my journey of introspection, and writing like this is the best way I know for cementing my ideas. Who needs psychoanalysis when you have a blog! If anyone actually read this far I must admit that I’m surprised you would spend this much time looking at my boring self analysis but thanks, and also hi mom.

Top Ten (Nineteen) Jurassic Park Quotes

1.  "Don’t get cheap on me Dodgson" - This is just a quote I wish I could use every day. 

2.  "Shoot her, shoot her" - Bob Peck's line delivery is just so good.

3.  "Hold on to you butts" - Classy.

4.  "God help us we’re in the hands of engineers" - This is actually the case far more often than you might think, as in basically all the time.

5.  "Clever Girl" - Still not over how great his line delivery is.

6.  "Dodgson, Dodgson, we’ve got Dodgson here" - I suspect that I might feel that Dodgson related quotes are the sign of a true Jurassic Park fan, or I may just like saying the name?

7.  "Our lives are in your hands and you’ve got butter fingers?" with "I’m totally unappreciated in my time" - An amazing attack and defense on personal character.

8.  "Dr. Grant isn’t machine compatible" - I'm not sure if I think Grant is cool for having this trait, or the trait is cool for being associated with Grant, but it's cool either way so who cares.

9.  "I’m fairly alarmed here" - I'm fairly alarmed that Ian Malcolm is constantly saying really amazing things when no one is around and they aren't being properly appreciated.

10.  "Babies smell" - Truer words were never spoken.

11.  "I won’t tell anyone you threw up" - Dr. Grant is a master of comforting children.

12.  "Big Tim the human piece of toast" - I think he meant it as affectionate?

13.  "They’re flocking this way" - I guess I just enjoy taking a word from a previous statement and then using it in a new context on a basic level. I think that would be a form of pun.

14.  "And bingo… dino DNA" - It really only works with the accent.

15.  "It’s an interactive CD-ROM" - Someone getting excited about a now obsolete technology is entertaining to me.

16.  "Dino… droppings, droppings" - Oh Jeff, you can make any line interesting.

17.  "Are they heavy? Then they’re expensive, put them back" - The opposite is probably true today, but I enjoy that he only needs one attribute to judge somethings worth.

18.  "I hate trees" - You and me both buddy.

19.  "They’re moving in herds, they do move in herds" - This line would make more sense if Dr. Grant's theories about the social behaviors of dinosaurs had been more developed, but the idea of a scientist witnessing evidence for a hard to support theory makes me happy.

Jurassic Park: quite stALAN you inGRANT

                Finally. Finally I’m going to stop messing around and get to what we have all been wanting to hear (by we I mean just me). Alan Grant is my favorite thing about this movie. Here is a list of reasons why Dr. Grant is stupendous:

1. Is a digger
2. Not machine compatible
3. Knew about dinosaurs evolving into birds before anyone else
4. You have to blow dust off you palm after you shake hands with him
5. Is a direct descendant of Ulysses S. Grant
6. He doesn’t know any lawyers
7. Goes into fits of hysterics upon the mention of a living T-rex
8. Has 28 chromosome pairs
9. Can judge blood temperature to within a few degrees just by holding an animal
10. Carries a canteen, compass, Leatherman, and trowel
11. Communicates with Brachiosaurs
12. Invented disposable contact lenses in 1987
13. Breaths life into children
14. Pulls off the big hat and neck bandana look

Here are some pictures of Alan Grant being stupendous:

Stupendous

STUPENDOUS

 

SAVES CHILDREN

 

IS THE FONT FROM WHICH LIFE FLOWS

                Grant is rightfully the protagonist of this movie. He is the most relatable, likeable, and respectable character (facts, not opinions). Sam Neill might not have as much charisma to carry the role as Jeff Goldblum (though he is from New Zealand, so that counts for something), but he brings more depth to this character than the admitted character actor that is Goldblum. Grant is the moderate character of the cast and seems to be the most reasonable. During the “Chilean Sea Bass Debate” while every other person seems to take a firm stance in the argument, Grant literally says “I don’t want to jump to any conclusions”, and then says that nobody can really know what is going to happen (this is probably the best character scene in the movie, and the set was really different and interesting, but enough about that, more Alan Grant). He is the objective scientist, and remains that way through the entire movie. Some of my favorite moments in the film are when Grant observes the dinosaurs out in the park and gets so engrossed that he forgets that he is actually running for his life. When he finds the eggs he is alarmed by what they imply, but you can also see that he is ebullient to be holding an actual dinosaur egg (he even smells it). There is also the shot after the baby velociraptor scene that shows Grant alone at the raptor pen. I love this, because it implies the he found his own way there due to some sort of magnetic attraction to raptors. Then when Muldoon is giving him facts about the raptors he is completely enraptured. He never loses his sense of wonder about the dinosaurs, even after witnessing their more terrible aspects, and I have a ton of respect for that.

This is a dinosaur egg

                I also respect his take on the hero role. Grant doesn’t really do anything to get the park back on line but spends the movie trying to keep people alive. The best part is that he doesn’t do it with raw strength or violence, but with intelligence and nurturing. The one time he picks up a weapon it has no effect and he isn’t even shown using it. This may just be my bias for brains over brawn heroes, but I think that he is a good non-archetypal character.  Speaking of his nurturing aspects, let’s talk about character development. Over the course of the movie Grant goes from this:

Who does this kid think he is?

 to this:

You guys are alright

Learning to appreciate children may not be the deepest character arc but it is the best we have in the movie and I’m happy with it. This character trait was the best change from the book in my opinion (I haven’t been mentioning the book because I want this discussion to just be about the movie). Some great scenes are created, such as when he scares the chubby kid, when he keeps changing cars at the beginning of the tour, and when both children are asleep on his shoulders in the chopper home.  This character growth also strengthens his relationship with Sattler, so that’s good too. Romantically, Grant seems like a bit of a distracted monogamist, which I can relate to. I even appreciate how his costume changes through the movie, with his hat getting blown off by the T-rex, and his bandana gets tied over Tim’s electrical burns. There are not many things that I don’t like about Alan Grant.

He even finds time for humor in dark situations

                Now to defend what are said to be some of Alan Grants flaws. First is his failure to operate a seat belt. This may be due to his incompatibility with technology, but I think it is due to something more dramatic. Alan Grant doesn’t understand safety. Ian Malcolm may know all about chaos, but Alan Grant is chaos. When Dr. Alan Grant blinks his eyes it rains in China (or maybe a butterfly drops dead, whichever is more intense). Second is the fact that he failed to get out his Leatherman and cut through the electric fence. This is clearly just an example of his Montana sensibilities. A respectable person doesn’t go around cutting other peoples fences. They may go around trying to steal national parks and coal deposits, but people from Montana are generally polite (can you tell I grew up in Wyoming?). Alan Grant is without flaw is all I’m saying.

If you don't agree you deserve a kick in the face

                In conclusion, Alan Grant it just another amazing part of an excellent movie. My only complaint is the negative depiction of technology, and the only improvement I could suggest would be to have made the main raptor more visually distinctive. I will close with a finally screenshot showing a tender moment between Hammond and Malcolm. 

It's cold in that bunker

Jurassic Park: That’s, that’s chaos theory

                To talk about Ian Malcolm, first I’m going to have to talk about Jeff Goldblum. I am a really, REALLY big Jeff Goldblum Fan. Jeff makes quirky intellectuals funny and sexy. If you don’t think he’s sexy then take a look at these.

 

He has a strut like a man-panther

Is it hot in there or is it just Jeff?

He is just bursting with charisma. Doubters should know that he married Geena Davis (who he played the sexy smart-guy opposite off a multiple times), and he dated Laura Dern after this movie. This proves that the water drops on the hand trick is the greatest pick-up move in the history of science (tragically, if it were repeated by anyone but Jeff Goldblum it would only be a sad imitation). His line delivery is the greatest thing since William Shatner and we have the same birthday, which is neat. Now I am going to try to look past all the Goldblum (oh so much Goldblum), and give an unbiased appraisal of the character Ian Malcolm.

                First, the things I like about Ian Malcolm. He’s a loose cannon, and I like loose cannons. Specifically, he is a loose cannon mathematician (chaotician), which is the second greatest kind of loose cannon you can be (theoretical physicist being the greatest). He is also not afraid to apply his math theories to everything, and then explain them in detail, and people actually listen. This seems to be due to sheer force of personality (and maybe sexiness).  Whenever I try to explain the temperature-volume-pressure relationship of gasses, or talk about Schrodinger's Cat my listeners eyes just glaze over. Not so for Ian Malcolm. He also has impressive fortitude, both mental and physical. He can tourniquet and splint (with his belt and bamboo from the destroyed bathroom) his own leg after being attached by a tyrannosaur, and can then quip about his situation at the first opportunity (“Remind me to thank John for a lovely weekend”). On top of all that, he can read a schematic while high on morphine, which is impressive.

               

He's fairly alarmed her

                Now, for the things that I don’t like about Ian Malcolm. The most minor is his cavalier attitude towards divorce, especially ones involving children. Loose cannons aren’t exactly known for having stable marriages, but from how he describes it, he sounds like he doesn’t even really care. I might add his flirting with Sattler in front of Grant to my dislikes, but Sattler never did anything to discourage him (because she didn’t realize what he was doing, not because she's a tease), so he can’t really be blamed too much. Next is flare scene. Malcolm’s actions in this situation seem to me like the unsolicited aide of someone who is under qualified that ends up making things worse, and I really dislike that sort of behavior. The look in his eyes as he lights the flare just tells the story of desired heroics. Sure he was only trying to help, but sometimes you just need to leave things to the experts. Speaking of experts, I don’t really agree with Malcolm’s interpretations of Chaos Theory either. When he states that control over nature isn’t possible and that life will break down barriers I don’t buy his analysis. Order can be brought to any chaotic system with the expenditure of enough energy. Properly maintained electric fences will keep a seven ton T-rex in its pen. The failure was caused by one man, which I don’t think qualifies as chaos, and the fact that the dinosaurs all instantly broke out upon the loss of power seems a bit far-fetched to me (the raptors being the exception since their intelligent attempts to escape had already been mentioned). Life evolving and breaking free is something that can and does happen, but evolution works on a near geologic timescale. Life may break free, but not over a weekend. Finally, the character trait that I dislike most about Ian Malcolm is the fact that he is against technological progress. His views are summed up in the quote “What you call discovery, I call the rape of the natural world.” This is a statement that I can absolutely not support. I prefer Hammond’s “Creation is an act of sheer will” which seemed to be played as a negative statement in the film's context. Looking at it, this whole movie seems to have an anti-progress tilt, and that is probably the only thing that I don’t like about it.

Quit trying to be as cool as Dr. Grant

                In spite of all those things, I still have fond feeling for Ian Malcolm. I attribute this to the charisma of Jeff Goldblum, and if this role had been played by anyone else I don’t think I would feel the same way. He has his flaw though, so unlike most people I know, Malcolm is not my favorite character. I will give you one guess who is.

Hammond may hate you but I think you're alright