I feel the need, the need to talk about Top Gun.

If you didn’t know, stupendous things are happening in the Indian Ocean, and they are happening right now. Every time you watch Top Gun, naval aviators are getting into wacky engagements with MiGs at that moment. This is called living in the best of all possible universes. I highly recommend it.

I should start by saying that fighter planes are friggin’ cool. Planes in general are sweet (probably just flight in general), but when you use those planes to fly around at Mach speeds and shoot missiles (or machine guns!) at each other it becomes the greatest sport ever. This brings me to my first point. Top Gun is an 80’s sports movie (no war movie would have this many locker room scenes), and I mean that as a compliment. Instead of High School we get Fighter Weapon School, and instead of basketball or karate we get dogfighting. Clear improvements.

All the necessary characters for a sports movie are present. First you need some jocks who antagonize the main characters for no real reason. Iceman is a prefect jock bully. He’s clearly skilled but abrasive, so you will respect him but not trust him. Slider is the classic crony. Even more of a jerk than Iceman, he also lacks the talent to back it up. Iceman’s arrogance is somewhat justified, but Slider just stinks.

            The stereotypical support characters are all there. Sundown in the token black guy necessary to 80’s sports movies. He and his facewear will be covered in greater detail later on. Viper plays the part of the wise mentor. He gives the hero advice and encouragement when he needs it most, as is his role. Jester is the harsh teacher, there to show that nobody’s getting coddled. Michael Ironside's voice is also so gravely that you could use it for road base. That’s a civil engineering joke (no regrets).

            All that’s missing at this point is a forbidden love interest. Cue Charlie. It might be a little out of type that she hasn’t dated Iceman at some point, but the teacher dating a student angle works just fine. The whole stealing the bad guy’s girlfriend trope never makes much sense anyway. If she is such a smart, sensitive girl, then why would she be going out with such a jerk?

            Don’t forget the protagonists, who are obviously a pair of dorky underdogs. The dorky part may not be obvious at first, well it’s pretty clear in Goose’s case, but Maverick’s dorkiness requires closer inspection. Being a misunderstood unpopular kid is a classic dork trait, but this is offset by his official status as a loose cannon.

            Dork determination is going to require looking deeper into some of Mavericks other character attributes. His reputation as a ladies man isn’t dorky; but how much is actually known about this reputation? His only confirmed relationship is with one Penny Benjamin. For all we know she could be some maneating admirals daughter who was taking advantage of Maverick. She could also be smelly and gross. Either way, Mav didn’t even tell his best friend about her, so he probably wasn’t proud about it.

           

Penny Benjamin?

            That whole bet about carnal knowledge on the premises also seems more like a running joke than an actual possibility. Just the fact that they talk about Goose getting laid shows that they both expect to be going home alone. I really hope they aren’t implying that Goose cheats on Carole anyway. Plus, when Charlie says that Mav was wonderful Goose is clearly shocked.

  

            Seriously, Maverick’s two moves are a dorky stunt (singing You’ve Lost that Loving Feeling is pretty dorky), and following her into a bathroom. I don’t know anything about picking up girls, but these don’t seem like solid strategies to me. Then he tells her she’s making a mistake with her current date. This seems like a terrible idea. Especially when she clearly isn’t on a date. On the other hand, “If the government trusts me, maybe you could” is a good line.

  

Paperwork = not a date

            Carole telling Charlie about all of Mav’s women is the biggest flaw in this theory. It’s also when the movie misses it’s opportunity to pass the Bechdel Test. The way I see it, Goose, Carole, and Mav have known each other for a long time. Carole and Goose just have a childhood sweetheart feel. Maverick has a self-confidence problem (plot point), and his friends embellish his dealings with women to help him out. He got Penny Benjamin, but most of his status is just exaggeration. They could also be prostitutes.

  

            In the end, no matter how much I argue, Maverick will always be first and foremost, a maverick. It may be the rebel on the wrong side of authority that makes the character exciting, but the undercurrent of dorky underdog is always there to keep the character accessible. I mean Maverick and Goose weren’t even good enough to get into Top Gun until Cougar had his accident. This brings us to the plot, so let’s talk about it.

           

            In sports movie terms, the plot goes something like this: the plucky underdog protagonist catch a break and get a shot at the big leagues, they then spend the entire “season” proving that they are good enough to belong there, setbacks happen along the way, relationships include a forbidden romance and a father struggling to support a family, a tragedy gets mixed in with some haunted past, and in the end when given a shot in the big game, our hero (singular at this point) saves the day. It sounds boring like that, but I’d like to point out a few examples of why I think this ends up being so effective. I’ll start with the first scene.

   

            All that aircraft carrier footage is getting counted as opening credits. I’m talking about the first scene with dialog. We start with “Great, Maverick and Goose”. Then comes a great shot of the F-14 slowly pulling into frame, and Maverick’s first line is “Talk to me Goose”. Everything you need to know is set up right there. Mav and Goose are loveable rogues, jet fighters are cool, and Maverick is the one in charge but he depends on Goose for support. The rest of the scene also established the danger, sets up Cougar’s (sweaty, blinky) breakdown so they can get into Top Gun, has a heroic rescue, builds the myth of the MiG 28’s, and gives them some special knowledge that comes in handy with Charlie later. It’s just that easy. I’m not sure it fighter pilots will lock missiles on each other during random encounters to establish dominance, but it seems pretty fun (best possible universe).

            The movie moves along steadily from here, and we never go more than 22 minutes without seeing Maverick in a plane. You get all that plot stuff I just mentioned as everything builds up to Hop 31. Danger Zone starts playing, so you know things are going to get intense. The score is tied and graduation is only two weeks away. Maverick and Iceman are forced to work together and the tension is thick. It’s a two on three engagement but two of the enemy planes split off right away leaving Mav and Ice chasing a lone A-4. The enemy planes aren’t important in this scene and we never even see who’s flying them. All the conflict is between Maverick and Iceman. As you would expect, Iceman quickly acts the jerk (or the son of a bitch). Strain builds as Iceman and Maverick are packed in right behind the enemy fighter and Ice refuses to get out of the way. He gets badgered by everyone, including Slider, and finally veers off. Just when you think Maverick and Goose are going to get their big change to prove they’re the best, the plot hits the breaks and we fly right by. Jet wash, flat spin, watch the canopy, and:

            Goose gets his own essay, so the emotional impact will be covered later. What this does to the plot is pretty major. Suddenly Maverick couldn’t care less about winning any trophies and it’s questionable whether he can even be a fighter pilot after this. Viper sends him back up but Mav can’t engage no matter how easy a shot Jester gives him (proving he’s not such a hard ass after all). Now Maverick has multiple encounters of decreasing hostility and increasing effectiveness. First he makes Sundown soil his flight suit.

  

Next Mav packs his locker, has an awkward talk with Iceman, and heads to the airport. Charlie somehow finds him at the bar, and confronts him about quitting with some tough love and their relationship exits the scene in pretty bad shape. Maverick isn’t quite ready to leave yet (he was just dropping off resumes with the commercial airliners), and he heads to Viper’s house for some fatherly advice. We learn that Papa Mitchell wasn’t a disgrace after all, and his heroic actions were covered up for political reasons (wrong line on some map and all that).

That’s one ghost exercised. Maverick skips graduation (even though he had enough points), but shows up for the after party. It’s a good thing he’s there though, because he’s got orders to go back to the Indian Ocean for a crisis situation. The SS MacGuffin has wandered into enemy waters and the rescue needs air support (we never even get to see this boat). Everything comes full circle, and we end up back on the same carrier where the movie started.

  

Iceman and Hollywood end up flying the mission with Maverick backing them up on alert. Six MIGs later, Hollywood and Wolfman get shot down because they’re incompetent (“Where’d who go?”). Maverick is sent in to rescue Iceman and in a nice touch Cougar’s old partner Merlin is his RIO. At 6’5” Tim Robbins seems a little tall for a fighter pilot, but he does some of the best eye acting in this whole movie so I’ll let it slide (You’re gunna do what?). Iceman is struggling to stay alive, but Maverick still has to let go of Goose before he can engage.

He does, because he’s the hero, and then he and Iceman shoot down most of the MiGs and scare off the rest (Mav shoots down the majority, because hero). We also see every lesson that Maverick learned. He recovers after flying through some jet wash, he doesn’t leave his wingman, and he pulls the old “I’m gunna hit the brakes, he’ll fly right by” trick. He also doesn’t crash into the ocean, so you could count that as never going below the hard deck. Everybody flies back to the carrier without a second thought about the boat rescue plot, and throw a party on the deck. Hollywood and Wolfman got pulled out of the ocean before they could row to Sweden. Everyone is happy.

  

All the problems have been resolved. In what could be considered a twist, Iceman isn’t disgraced and becomes Maverick’s friend (they do a flyby together, because buzzing the tower is what friends do), Maverick throws Goose’s dogtags into the ocean (Goose had a wife and kid who might have wanted those!), and when offered his choice of assignments he decides he wants to be a Top Gun instructor. This doesn’t make a ton of sense since he didn’t win the trophy, or even graduate, but you’ve got to set up the sequel somehow.  This isn’t a joke. There actually was a sequel planned where Maverick was an instructor and a spunky female pilot comes to the school. This could still happen. Oh, Maverick and Charlie get back together too, but I’m probably more concerned about whether or not he’ll find another RIO to fly with again (is Merlin his RIO now, what’s he like, does he play volleyball?). Then in the best of 80’s traditions, we play credits to the sounds of a corny power ballad.

Not bad for a plot whose main purpose is to move things from one dog fight to the next. I think that’s enough Top Gun for one serving, but I still have a lot more to talk about. Up next, I’ll talk about what really makes this movie great. The elemental excellence that is naval aviators.