I’ve Dug Many a Mighty Fine Hole for Myself

                An open patch of ground and a shovel is all that I need to have a good time. Nothing fancy, just a hole in the ground. Ever since I was a kid I liked to dig holes. They never serve any intended purpose, and are just something that I enjoy from time to time. Digging holes is a relaxing, physical, and strangely rewarding activity.

                The activity of digging is relaxing to me due to it repetitive and somewhat rhythmic nature. The steady step-scoop-dump action is simple and soothing. The biggest problem I could imagine occurring would be placing your dirt pile too close to your hole, so that the dirt runs back in (also hitting utilities might ruin your day). It is a very straightforward activity, and it can hold my focus for long periods of time without my getting bored. Being outdoors also helps to relax me, and digging feels like it is interactive with nature, but not in a jarring way. I can’t fully articulate it but digging just makes me feel at peace.

                Digging’s physical nature is also something that I enjoy. Digging can be a work out, but isn’t strenuous, and you only have to work as hard as you want to. Working up a sweat isn’t hard, and sore muscles aren’t uncommon, but it doesn’t make me want to throw up like when I do more intense exercise like jogging or swimming. Handling a shovel is a very good way to get calluses, which I enjoy for their sheer manliness. Blisters are not unheard of, but I kind of enjoy them too in my own “hardship builds character” way. Another side effect is getting dirty, but in its pure form. Literally being covered in dirt is fairly tame, and is just sort of fun in a slapstick kind of way.

                Creating something has always made me feel good, and few creations are more simple or uncomplicated than a hole. Unlike similar activities like shoveling snow, or chopping wood, digging is done solely for its own sake. I’ve had that odd fantasy of finding a fossil, some gold, or a lost artifact, but there is never any disappointment when I don’t. The activity is the goal, and the end result is clear. An elementary hole can never really be finished, but it is always finished at the same time. It can always be deeper or wider, but it remains a hole. It is something that is already perfect, but can still be improved. I think that this is a feature that only straightforward creations like holes can possess.

                All in all, I think it is the simplicity that is what I truly enjoy about holes. Digging a hole is an unadulterated act of creation, and is not lacking for anything in my opinion.

Top Ten (Eight) TV Show

1. Mystery Science Theater 3000 - So simple yet so hilarious. Sarcastic robots watching B-movies is one of my favorite things ever, and the humor cuts me straight to the bone.

2. Monty Python's Flying Circus - I love British comedy, especially from these guys. Some of the most absurd sketches I have ever seen and the loose continuity between sketches was sweet. I am a big fan of the Palin/Cleese duo.

3. Star Trek - The first great science fiction TV show in my opinion, and still one of the best. The Kirk/Spock/McCoy dynamic was solid and a little Scotty never hurt anyone. William Shatner is the man.

4. Entourage - Basically a TV show of the male fantasy life. I prefer the first few seasons when they didn't have any serious problems.

5. Firefly - Another great science fiction show. It has a sort of steam punk feel which I like and it was very well cast. Shows about flying around in space are just generally very appealing to me.

6. Band of Brothers - Technically a mini-series but I'm counting it. Quality World War II story from the same team that brought you Saving Private Ryan.

7. Insomniac with Dave Attell - A travel show about late night goings on. Dave Attell is my favorite comedian so that's a bonus.

8. The Twilight Zone - A show that could be about anything, and always tried to make you think. The Rod Sterling intro's were always stupendous.

My History with Women - Part Four (Still Lame as Hell: The College Years)

                Now I’m a college student in Rapid City, SD. High school senior cockiness has been replaced be college freshman meekness. The beard was gone, only to be replaced by an atrocious ball cap that I had been wearing for ten years (what it lacked in cleanliness and structural integrity it made up for in sentimental value). I had also been wearing nothing but shorts and white tee shirts (symbolically appropriate color wise) for a few years now. I was prepared to meet new and interesting women, and then repel them just as hard as ever.

                We can basically skip my first two years, because they were uneventful even by my standards. Living in the dorms made me even more anti-social than usual, and I was big into escapist video gaming at the time. I did develop a crush on a geology major who was in my Chemistry 101 lab group, but I never did anything but pine after her for the rest of my college career. I should also mention that my college had something like a 7:1 boy to girl ratio, so it wasn’t exactly a target rich environment.

This picture actually has an atypically large number of girls in it

                In junior year, my best friend transferred schools and we got a place together, so my social attitude was much improved. I started to make some actual friends in my classes, but mostly the non-traditional students since I have always been precocious, and wasn’t about to go mainstream with my socialization or anything. One of my friends happened to be a single mother with a job, so we developed a mutually beneficial relationship where I would help her with school and she would introduce me to women. This led to a couple of misadventures. First she introduced me to her cousin who seemed like a good match for me. The problem was that she was leaving on a Peace Corp trip in a few weeks, so there wasn’t a lot that I could do with that.

                The more interesting match happened in the summer after junior year. I was interning in Pierre, SD, and that happened to be the location of the Girls’ State Softball Tournament. My friend was on a team and invited me down to meet people. There were hundreds of girls there so the odds of finding a girl who would talk to me were good. One girl flagrantly said hello to me as I walk past her and her friends, so I was feeling confident. My friend eventually coaxed a shortstop into talking with me, since I am completely unable to cold approach women. We chatted between games throughout the two day tournament. We were able to keep a steady conversation with the help of competitive sports as a topic, but their weren't exactly fireworks between us. At one point, some of the lesbians present warned me that this girl was tripping their gaydar, but I choose to ignore this and attributed her slight standoffishness to my awkwardness.

                After the tournament ended we agreed to keep texting and she went back to Rapid City. I figured that this would work well, since we could develop a conversational rapport over the summer so that things would be less awkward in the fall when I returned to Rapid and we started dating. I was able to learn a lot about her, some rudimentary conversation skills, and how to text adequately (I got a cell phone when I went to college finally). She was a Radiology Tech intern at the hospital and was from Montana. She liked her peanut butter smooth and had strong feelings against white bread.

                A few weeks before school started I was in town to move to my new studio apartment (my friend was getting an apartment with his girlfriend). I asked if she wanted to go out while I was in town, but she gave me a semi-shady excuse. It was at this point that I began to believe that the fabled lesbian prophesy of old might be coming true. Anyhow, we kept texting until school started and then I was back in town to stay. The jig was up and I asked her if she was interested in dating me. She responded with something like “I don’t want a boyfriend right now”, so either she really was into women or she just wasn’t buying what I was selling and wanted to let me down gently (not unlikely). It is also entirely possible that she was telling the complete truth, and was just busy with her job/school life and just didn’t have time for a boyfriend. Our conversations were never more than friendly, so I didn’t exactly charm her (mostly “how was your day”, and no “here is a picture of me in my underwear”). I got some talking to women practice out of it so no hard feelings.

                I didn’t do anything with my entire senior year, since at the speed I move I probably need more than a year to get anywhere. I also don’t really have any interest in just for fun relationships, so I didn’t want to get a girlfriend just so we could break up when I moved after graduation. I did fall in love with a girl who I saw listening to some Hall and Oates, but I never saw her again after that so it wasn't really a big deal. Now college had come and gone, but my chastity was still holding strong.

                After graduating I started a full time job in Pierre, the same job where I interned the previous summer. I hate to say it, but Pierre isn’t exactly a cornucopia of young single women. On top of that, civil engineering is a terrible profession for meeting females (unless you count the occasional rugged construction working ones, but I would rather not). It has been over a year and a half now, and all I have succeeded in doing is to become even more eccentric and undateable (I started a blog and learned how to solder, LADIES). I stopped wearing my old cap, but have started wearing mirrored aviator sunglasses and Hawaiian shirts, so I’m still driving away women like champion. My current infatuation is a girl who works across the street and rides a bike to work. I’ve started riding a bike to work now in an ingenious a lame attempt to get her attention. I don’t even know her name and haven’t seen her in a while now that the weather is getting cold, so I give it about a 99% chance of not going anywhere. One the plus side, riding a bike to work is totally worth it on its own, and is still fun even though I’m not twelve years old anymore (riding through sprinklers is one of my favorite things ever).

What a jerk

                In conclusion, most people have had more romantic experience during a first date than I have had in my entire life. While writing this I got the impression that my fumblings as a youth were amusing, but as I got older just became somewhat sad. The thing is, I don’t really feel sad about it. I don’t know if it’s just my ego trying to defend itself, but I like the way that I am. For one, my lack of experience makes me different and unique, and that is something I probably put too much value in. Secondly, not needing to maintain complex social relationships also gives me a huge amount of time to do all the things that I want to do. What scares me is that I would like even more alone time than I already have (if I could just stop needed to sleep), and I worry that this could be a problem if I do get into a relationship. Anyway, I'm happy with the way my life is now, but I also think I would be happy in a relationship, so I win either way.

TLDR: I’m going to die alone, but it’s totally cool.

My History with Women - Part Three (Slow Times at Campbell County High)

                High school continues. I am now equipped with a misunderstanding about how attractive women find me and a desire to gain as much dating experience as possible. I still have bad facial hair, and still have no understanding of how to behave around girls. Self-embarrassment ahoy!

                Seventeen was a busy year with two more attempts at dating (I guess all those rock songs were right). The first victim of my spastic advances was WAY out of my league. She was a star on the track and cross country teams, in the advances math class, attractive, and nice, to list just a few of her virtues. We were friendly in school (not flirty though, since I’m not sure if I actually can flirt), and we used to do stuff like play cards in math class, so I think I had semi-decent groundwork set up this time. She was one of the first girls that I recruited for my co-ed softball team, which was basically just a giant scheme to get me a girlfriend, with softball being a fringe benefit (I somehow got enough girls to fill half a softball team, even if many of them skipped games fairly often and we were constantly having problems with getting enough girls to play. The girl I liked had a good attendance record however). I had told some friends that I wanted to ask her out so I had some peer pressure pushing me to make a move, which didn't really help me be relaxed about it. I cornered her after one of our softball games and popped the question “Hey, would you like to go out with me sometime?”. She responded with “You mean as friends?”.  My composure shattered like sugar glass, and I lied “Yes”. She ended up giving me her phone number, and I used it to torture her with a few awkward hang outs over the summer. Not my finest hour. I later learned that she knew that I didn’t intend my proposal to be friendly, but I appreciate it that she rejected me in a gentle fashion, although if she would have been mean about it maybe I could have gotten over her better.

Who wouldn't want to date this guy?

                 Before junior prom I got a little desperate and decided to ask a girl that I didn’t even really like if she would go with me. Since I was still feeling the sting of the previous rejection, I went for what I thought was an easy target. I also tried to determine her feelings before putting myself on the line. This didn’t really turn out well, as my intended intermediary failed to understand my desire for subtlety, and ended up just straight asking her for me. She already had a date, so it was all just a waste of time.

                After that year I became a senior, and had the cocky attitude to go with it. I joined an art class from the purpose of picking up chicks (it was actually so I could graduate with honors, but the chicks angle sounds less lame). There was a nice petite girl in my class who was what I later learned to be emo (it was still a new thing at the time). She had bangs in front of one eye and a red streak in her hair anyway. I was actually able to do what might have been decent flirting, which was mostly due to the fact that we both had friends in the class so it was really just group banter. One of my friends happened to be dating one of her friends (not the same people as the ones in the class), so I thought I had a chance. She already had a boyfriend who wore the same pants as her though, so nothing happened.

                I also did some good (for me) flirting with a girl in my gym class (I consider ironic trash talk and cocky behavior while playing sports to be flirting, even if it's never got a very positive response from girls). I blew any shot that I probably didn’t had with two smooth moves. First, I nearly hit her in the face while spiking a volleyball and was then cocksure about it. She got mad, because you have to protect the moneymaker. Next, I hit her with a racial joke that I don’t think she appreciated.  While walking to the soccer fields someone said “What do soccer and Mexicans have in common?” (she was Mexican). I blurted “Neither one belongs in this country!”, which I still think was clever, but it was also not very sensitive. I followed my quip with an immediate Ohh… as I realize that I had just erred. Both of the previous two girls were sophomore, which I’m not proud of, but I needed every advantage that I could get.

These were my sweet wheels in high school, also my cousin shooting a shotgun

                Towards the end of senior year a girl told me that she would go to the prom with me, but at that point I didn’t really think that starting a relationship would be worth it, knowing the slow pace that I work at. Proms aren’t really my scene anyway. I was feeling a bit defeatist at this point. She was really nice though, and I would tease her about having a brain tumor because she got hiccupping fits. She also complimented me on my speech about digging holes that I gave in English class, which I appreciated. To be honest I just didn’t feel that she was smart enough for me, and I’m not certain if that is a legitimate reason to rebuff her.

                Thus high school came and went, yet my total virginity remained. Next time will take us through college and up to the present.

My History with Women - Part Two (Fail Harder)

 The failure continues. Now I’m in high school, and driving has led me to discovering a whole new world of independence. I had also discovered a new, nearly 100% effective, form of birth control… bad facial hair. The summer before junior year (nothing to report for sophomore year) I found out that I could grow a goatee and mustache without needing to shave my cheeks or sideburns (it just grew in as a natural Van Dyke). I immediately stopped shaving because I thought this was stupendous (I still struggle with acknowledging how terrible of an idea this is). My poor grooming choices did fail to keep one girl from liking me, and this brings us to the most advanced romantic experience of my life.

Don't let the beautiful Alaskan scenery fool you, that beard was terrible

It all started in the lunch room, which would be the key location of our whole relationship. One day while heading back to class I was stopped by a girl. This would easily be enough to make me nervous but this girl really threw me off. She was what I will describe as Hard; an open lesbian, and a punk (spiked dog collar, buzzed hair, authority problems), so I figured that I was about to get punched in the throat. Turns out she wasn’t trying to steal my lunch money, and she informed me that NAME REDACTED liked me and that I should ask her out. I was so startled that I failed to ask her to point this girl out, and left in a daze, desperately trying not to forget this name.

At this point in my life I had realized that I desperately needed some experience with dating. I pulled together all of my paltry resources to find out who this girl was. I caught a break when one of my friends who was working on the yearbook (on the nerdy computer end, not the cool pictures and surveys end) got a picture of her and was able to point her out. I found her attractive and I decided to go for it (I would have found any girl who I knew liked me attractive at this point). I tried something new this time and asked her out in person (it’s easy to be brave when you already know that she is interested).

Our first date was a movie. Her mom had to drive her there since it turned out she was young for her grade (a 15 year old sophomore), and couldn’t drive yet. We barely talked during the whole movie (she had an uncanny ability to answer every question in a way that prevented further conversation on the topic), and the date ended with a hug in front of her mom, so… a lot of progress actually. Other dates include roller skating (I got a blister the size of a golf ball), bowling (with just the two of us, so it was impossible to hold a decent conversation), eating Italian food (I hate Italian food), watching the Super Bowl (I don’t watch football), and religious events (I’m not a fan of organized religion). There were a few particularly awkward moments as well. After we had been dating for a while I had to specifically ask her to go out with me, because apparently dating and going out isn’t the same thing and she wasn’t officially my girlfriend yet. I was also threatened by one of her male friends if I ever hurt her feelings, but he did handstands while he roller skated, so I think I could have taken him. 

Why you gotta always use so much cheese Italians?

At one point, I remembered how we first met. I was walking out of the lunch room a few weeks before the previous mention, when a girl asked me what my name was. I fought the urge to panic as I realized that a girl was talking to me, and over-enunciated my name like a champion. She then asked me if I knew some guy (I forgot his name). I said that I didn’t, so she responded with “Oh, I thought you might since you have the same facial expressions.” That preposterous statement rendered me speechless, and I soon forgot about the occurrence (I also forgot her face, since I managed to avoid eye contact during that whole encounter).

Trouble started in the relationship when she and her friends started mixing with my friends. If I hadn’t been intoxicated by the fact that girls were finally paying attention to me I probably would have found them annoying as well (they were weird kids; a number of them were Wiccans, which I would later insensitively describe as devil worship to make the story more interesting). Her friends thought that they were now friends with my friends, which means that I was the only person ever to bring girls to our lunch table, or fans to our basketball games (I think the main similarity between my friends were their lack of contact with females), but there were some complaints. I had some newly acquired female friends (second degree friends really, but I still thought my girl problems were coming to an end. SPOILER: They weren’t), and my girlfriend was being more forward than they were comfortable with (as in my parents are out of town, can I stay with you for five days).

It was time to break up (this was six weeks in). I had yet to kiss her (the hugging had become a terrible habit), and the peak of the relationship was some side boob I got when she fell into my arms while roller skating. It was a Friday when I decided I would break up with her, but I would only do it face to face, so that meant waiting until I saw her Monday at school. I couldn’t stand to talk to her and pretend everything was okay, so I stopped answering her calls (smooth). She called somewhere in the ballpark of 25 times over the weekend, and this was on a home phone, since I refused to own a cell phone (in case the beard wasn’t enough of a deterrent). After weathering that storm, I met her in the lunch room (naturally) on Monday morning. It turns out that breaking up is one thing that I can do with aplomb. I laid down how I felt and what I wanted and stayed firm. I also finally took the opportunity to check out her missing tooth that she had from when a horse kicker her (it was behind the Canine so you had to look for it).

I found out after we broke up that she was bisexual, so if I was the kind of guy who was into threesomes I might feel like I had missed out (I always thought that she was joking when she said she would go gay for Hilary Duff). She was also a cheerleader (which was uncool at my school), so I can say that I dated a bisexual cheerleader in high school, which sounds fairly interesting out of context. All told, I ended up with some good experience, and she was actually a very nice girl even if this story is biased against her.

I think Hilary Duff and I look pretty similar actually

Next post will tell the tale of the rest of my high school tomfoolery.