Sarcasm Quotes - Revisited

            I’ve had a change of opinion about my Sarcasm Quotes idea. I’m still a fan of using a superscripted S in place of quotation marks to denote sarcasm, but I also suggested that regional accents should be included in this system. That was a terrible idea. It was brought on by my poor ability to write phonetically, and was basically a tool for laziness. It wouldn’t even work very well since having to write all of a foreign characters dialog with the same quotes would be tedious and wouldn’t carry any more meaning that just establishing an accent once, then using normal quotes. The plan was probably just to use them when making movie references and what not, but the accent is typically implied if the reader is familiar with the quote, so what’s the point?

            My new idea is to stay closer to the idea of sarcasm quotes, and use quotes to show other expressive forms of dialog. I made a new list using single letters that can be found on my Quotes List page.  It now includes quotes like A for Angry, M for Monotone, S for Sarcastic, and W for Whiney. I tried to find an elemental style of speech for each letter, since in my new system the styles are made to be combinable. Now you can write DS for Deadpan Sarcasm, ES for Excited Sarcasm, PS for Pained Sarcasm, or TS for Thoughtful Sarcasm. This makes it possible to not only show general sarcasm in dialog, but the specific type of sarcasm, which I’m pretty excited about. The other styles can be combined as appropriate too, but sarcasm seems to be the easiest one to mix, which is why I still consider it the backbone of the system. Maybe I just want to make sarcasm as fun to write as it is to speak.

            The major flaw with this idea is my own limited understanding of language. Separating and describing the elemental styles of speech seems like a job for a linguist, not for some dude with self-diagnosed Asperger’s. If I had a lot of money I’d fund the creation of a system, similar to how the Shavian Alphabet was done (which is a pretty sweet alphabet by the way, although I think phonetic alphabets should be more careful with their symbol choices so that bad handwriting won’t be a major issue), but I don’t, and working on it myself is more fun anyway. Suggested additions or improvements would be most appreciated though, and the system is still very much in a nascent state. I don’t even have styles for I and Y yet, and can’t think of a way to describe J for Jovial that isn’t exactly the same as E for Excited. The description in general are all fairly crude. I would love to do this well, since a general guide to expressive speech forms would be valuable even if it wasn’t codified into written language, but I just keep struggling with the difference between tone and pitch. I do think I was able to nail Q for Questioning though since a raise in pitch at the end is an easy one. If only everything were that simple.

The Shavian Alphabet

            In the end, this may just be another idea that is good in theory, but doesn’t really pan out in the execution. It’s fun to think about though, and expect to see some of these new quotes showing up in my future writing. I’m tempted to do some more dialog heavy writing, such as a short story or something to see if this system would be too tiresome when fully implemented (maybe it could spice up my old Jurassic Park erotic fanfiction). Sarcasm Quotes are an ongoing project that I will likely continue in the same random and unscientific manner in which it started. Until the next time.

Why Moonraker Doesn’t Suck – Part Четыре (Bond Character Traits)

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Why Moonraker Doesn’t Suck – Part Dos (Action Sequences)

             Now what would a Bond movie be without plent of over the top action scenes. These are the moneymakers. Literally where the action happens. I’ve picked out a few of the most action dense scenes to discuss.

The first big action scene is a sky diving scene, naturally. Basically, Bond is pushed out of plane without a parachute (by our good buddy Jaws), so he has to wrestle the chute off of the henchman who jumped out of the plane before him. It starts out with Bond chasing the anonymous mustachioed henchman through the air, tackling him, and then stealing his parachute and kicking him away (after which he has the courtesy to acknowledge that he has been beaten and bothers Bond no more). Jaws re-enters the scene to finish what he started, and now Jaws is chasing Bond in a nice reversal. Just as Jaws catches up and is about to take a chomp out of Bond’s leg, James deploys his parachute and escapes. Jaws’ s rip cord breaks off in his hand, but luckily the circus is in town so he is available for future assassination attempts.

Somewhere over Southern California

            Next up, during a tour of an astronaut training facility, Bond is offered a chance to ride in the centrifuge (standard part of the tour). As soon as the ride begins, all of the (relatively) responsible people are called out of the room and Drax’s pet henchman Chang (who apparently just got back from Judo practice and didn’t have time to change) takes over the controls. Tension builds as he slowly cranks up the G’s. With the safety button disconnected, Bond struggles both to stop the machine and keep consciousness. As the G’s pass 13 (“most people pass out at seven”) Bond remembers his wrist launcher gadget, and shoots the controls to stop the centrifuge. Goodhead rushed in to pull a haggard Bond out of the machine, and he doesn’t even get back at her for saying  that ^S70 year olds can take 3 G’s^S (a 50 year olds can 13!).

Will his face ever recover?

The first of our two boat chases takes place in the canals of Venice. Bond flees from some machine gun toting goons in a speed boat using nothing but his wits, his uncanny ability not to get shot, and a souped-up motor-gondola. I vote for this being the most ridiculous scene in the movie, with such antics as two people making out so hard that they don’t notice their gondola being split in half, a pigeon double take, and Bond escaping by turning his gondola into a hover crafts and cruising around the Piazza San Marco. A classic scene to say the least.

Hovercrafts are always cool

            Later Bond is strolling around Venice after some breaking and entering. All of a sudden, Chang is back and he just came from Kendo practice (the guy has a full schedule and it doesn’t include changing clothes). Chang attacks Bond with a practice sword (couldn’t get a real sword I guess?), but Bond absconds to the nearby glass shop (who didn’t see that coming).  Bond finds a convenient rapier and proceeds to establish the superiority of European swordsmanship (assuming the Asian dude’s sword is made of wood), and also destroying everything in the glass shop (Bond does try to spare one piece, but the henchman just has no respect for hand-blown glass). Disarmed, Chang flees into a clock tower, jumps out of hiding and tries to choke Bond with a chain, and gets thrown out of the St. Mark’s clock face into a piano for his troubles. Bond honors his worthy adversary with the touching eulogy “Play it again Sam” (it works better if you assume his full name was Sam Chang).

Way to bring a stick to a sword fight

            One trans-Atlantic flight later (on the Concord naturally) and Bond is running into Goodhead in Rio de Janeiro. Specifically on Sugar Loaf Mountain. They decend in the cable car (thankfully empty of annoying tourists) while talking shop about the spy biz, and are completely unsurprised when Jaws manhandles the the machinery (he bites through a cable!) and the car comes to a sudden halt. They immediately Die Hard out of the top of the car and James want to zip line down the cable on a chain (I would low ball that distance as being at least 1500 feet horizontal).  To save them the trouble, Jaws overhands his way along the cable to the other car, and pudgy accomplice henchman runs the cars out to meet in the middle. Bond and Goodnight are able to overpower Jaws, and push him into the car, locking the hatch (lock only to be used for emergencies, such as 7’2”, metal toothed assassins), and Bond gets his wish of ziplining away. The henchman who was sent on this mission for his tech savvy and not his physique, starts up the cable cars again in an attempt to ram the zip liners. Team spy drop from the cable in the nick of time and execute a flawless tuck and roll on the ground. Suck-henchman completely fails to stop the cable car and it crashes through the building, killing him instantly. Jaws is pulled from the wreckage by Dolly, and Hollywoods greatest couple is born. Bond and Goodnight are then captured by more henchman who are disguised as incredibly on the ball paramedics (interupting some choice make outs). Bond escapes after a truly superb tantem guard-seduction, but Goodnight is left behind (nobody is really worried about it though).

He just man-jumps it

Boat chase numero dos (I’m American and assume everyone south of our border speaks Spanish) takes place on the Amazon River. After the failure last time the bad guys of Drax Industries are bringing their A-game, with three boats, three henchman per boat, boat mounted mortars, and Jaws on a boat for good measure. Too bad for them that James upped the ante as well with a boat packing all the special spy options. James’s boat has mines, torpedoes, a bulletproof screen, and a hang-glider. James gets every pennies worth (which is saying a lot for how overpriced options generally are), using the mines to blow up one boat, the torpedo for the second, and escaping with the hang-glider as his boat crashes over the wildly misplace Iguaza Falls. Jaws unfailingly breaks the steering wheel off his boat and drives over the falls (the man is a wrecking machine).

The third set of mines always get 'em

This next sequence is probably my favorite action scene in all of Bond-dom. I mean, it’s a friggin’ space laser battle! A squad of gung-ho space marines battle a group of space suited Drax flunkies, in friggin’ space, with friggin’ lasers. It’s like the Thunderball speargun fight, but on crack. A scene with soldiers in EVA suits shooting each other with jet pack mounted laser guns basically stimulates all of my stupendous receptors. It is an intense battle with people being launched screaming into space left and right (in space people can hear you scream). The marines manage to break into the space station and with their completely unrestrained laser fire, manage to completely destroy the delicate structure. Set destruction abounds, and all the Draxites are killed.

Space Marines must be the secret sixth military branch

            Every one of those scenes is totally fantastic, and they all reek of Bondness. From the iconic settings to the questionable technology, these are the kind of action sequences that make Bond movies great. Stay tuned for more classic Bond antics next post. 

Me and the Voice in My Head

                I believe I have a somewhat non-typical ego. In my understanding the typical ego is responsible for actions like desiring the possession of large sums of money, seeking intercourse with traditionally attractive members of the opposite sex, and having power over other human beings. It makes people get angry and offended over innocent comments, and it causes jealousy and competitiveness plus all sorts of other uncool stuff. It’s not all bad though, since the ego can probably be linked to acts of heroism and valor, and people striving to excel. In my description the ego is basically the non-rational thought process, or the more emotional “gut reaction” sort of drives and reactions. It is also connected to the self-image and self-esteem, which is why it can be so complicated and different from person to person. Above are just some examples of what I think the common ego does, and is probably pretty male biased (not real familiar with the female ego. I don’t date often, which shouldn't be a surprise). The one ego that I do understand pretty well is my own, and I will now explain why I think it is non-typical.

The Cobra Kai, the face(s) of ego conflict?

                The main factor of my ego is a desire to have no needs. This causes a myriad of non-rational behavior. I do things like wear t-shirts and shorts all winter long because I don’t need to wear winter clothes. I also avoid luxuries meant to make my life easier (like a pizza cutter), because I can get along without them. I only grudgingly admit to needing actual literal needs like sleep and food, and don’t like to eat or sleep in front of other people because it makes me feel vulnerable. When my ego gets mixed in with other people and relationships that’s when it really causes problems. If I decide I don’t need another person in my life I will basically freeze them out and try to shut down all communication between us, which is a horrible thing to do. I have lost some friends in this manner, which I feel bad about, but the ego also keeps me from fixing things, so I got that going for me, which is not nice.  I do think I need the internet, I will admit that much.

It's so good at cutting pizza that it seem sinful

                My drives are what really stand out among other members of American Male Culture though. Money has no real value to me. I can spend it without any remorse, and I don’t seek making money with much intensity (I am employed, but I don’t push for raises or anything). Luckily my whole “no needs” deal keeps me from buying very many things, so I generally end up hording money anyway. Social and romantic relationships have never been something that I worked real hard to create. I always start as a passive friend with the other person needing to be the outgoing one, and my sexual orientation would probably best be described as asexual but hetero curious. I can on occasion be reasonably outgoing with close friend who I have known for some time and trust and respect (as for close romantic relationships I will have to let you know when it happens). Being serious or competitive are other things I am not known for. I’m yet to run into a situation where that was bad for me though, so no problem I guess. Influencing other people’s actions to almost any degree also makes me uncomfortable, which means I am really bad at changing lanes in traffic (sorry people behind me).

                As for weak points in my ego, those are really just the weak points in my self-image. Insults toward my intelligence generally upset me more than anything else since I put a lot of value in being smart. The insults do need to be well composed to get to me, so I don’t just tear up every time someone says that I’m dumb. My smell is another point that I am self-conscious about, since I sweat more than is reasonable on occasion, and worry if it smells. I have never actually had a negative comment about my smell, but I have had people say that my Old Spice Classic cover scent smells nice multiple times. Shots at the way I look or dress generally have no effect, although I sometimes wish they would (maybe I wouldn’t have had such an absurd goatee through high school, or worn the same dirty hat for twelve years). Insults directed at my ability at sports, or my sexual prowess are also fairly moot. This means the best way to make me feel bad would be to ditch me for a Nobel Laureate (one of the sciency ones anyway) who smells like lilacs and laundry exhaust; I’m not sure I could recover from that.

Me after walking half a block in 70° weather.

                Thank goodness I’m a textbook introvert though (^sreally, an introvert, you don’t say!^s), and take plenty of time for introspection (and then writing blog post about it). I hope I have a fairly strong understanding of my ego, and can work against its more negative consequences. Introversion is probably the overall cause for my different ego anyway, since the stereotypical ego is probably a more extrovert ego. I will definitely take uncomfortable eating over unreasonable punching any day. Anyway, please don’t use this information to crush me mentally.

Sarcasm Quotes

A major problem with writing is a difficulty in effectively conveying sarcasm in text form. Misunderstood sarcasm is quit unfortunate, as it generally entails the opposite meaning as intended being taken from your words. That can cause a lot of problems.

Many people have suggested that a sarcasm font should be chosen, and anything written in said font will be identifiable as sarcastic. I don’t think this is the best solution. Fonts are not the easiest thing to recognize at a glance, and are not easy to display in a variety of programs and medias. My alternative solution to this problem is the subtle and elegant Sarcasm Quote. Behold

^SHello world^S

There you have it. Superscript S’s are all you need to conveniently express facetiousness via written language.  A simple ctrl + shift + + in Microsoft Word, or ^S in HTML, and you have bought yourself a one way ticket to sarcasm town. Never again should an innocently ironic comment be taken literally. Now as far as I know I am the first person to submit this idea. My Google search of “sarcasm quotes” only brought up actual quotes on the topic of sarcasm or in a sarcastic manor.

Possibly the best part of this idea is that it is not just limited to sarcasm. I also advocate Russian Accent Quotes (^RI must break you^R), Arnold and/or Austrian Accent Quotes (^AGet to the chopper^A), and any other accent you can assign a letter to. This solves the problem of writing in an accent, without running the risk of confusing your reader and your spell check. I am yet to think of a use for superscripted numbers as quotes, but I am sure something can be thought of eventually.

Now if you’re thinking that you do all of your sarcastic writing in text messages, and your phone can’t write superscript, I have a solution for you as well. My sarcastic text messages are done as follows. “Oh, that smells like a great time” Cob said sarcastically. I see three strengths to this solution; it add some literary flare to your message, you get to refer to yourself in the third person, and it could probably be considered second degree sarcasm (better than normal sarcasm) since it is being somewhat ironic about its own sarcastic nature. If you are put off by this solution since in involves extra typing, I’m not really that worried. If you can’t be bothered to write out the word “be” in its entirety, then I doubt you are the type of person demands precision of tone in their writing.   

This post has been Revisited.