Duck Facts

            It’s been I while since I’ve written anything, but what better way to come back than with more Duck Facts! Let’s just say that I have spent this hiatus in tireless research so that I could share these new and amazing facts about the universe’s greatest animal. Here they are:

1. A duck’s strength is proportional, by volume, to 42 Arnold Schwarzeneggers.
2. Duck webs are stronger and lighter than carbon nanotubes.
3. The pyramids were built by ducks.
4. Ground duck horn cures impotence, and also cancer.
5. In ancient Assyria the duck was a symbol of virtue.
6. Ducks are invisible to radar.
7. If you combine duck poop and diesel fuel you get napalm.
8. Cows with perfect karma are reincarnated as ducks.
9. The preening oil produced by a duck’s uropygial gland is waterproof, fireproof, blocks 99.99% of UVA and UVB rays, and smells like lilacs.
10. Ducks have 12 lives.
11. The Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle applies to ducks on a macroscopic level.
12. If you stare into a duck’s eyes you can see the meaning of life.
13. There is no word in the Finnish language that rhymes with duck.
14. Humans share 102% or our DNA with ducks (they have all of ours, plus some).
15. If a woman weighs the same as a duck she’s a witch (ducks also reverse newtification)
16. In Soviet Russia, ducks hunt you.
17. I would never lie about ducks.
18. Duck tears reverse aging.
19. Male ducks have a corkscrew shaped penis that can be up to 25% of the length of their bodies and is capable of explosive erections.
20. Ducks can survive indefinitely in vacuum and can withstand temperatures ranging from 6 to 1282 Rankine.
21. Some West African ducks have been known to spontaneously change sex from male to female in a single sex environment.
22. If a fox mates with a duck it produces a red furred flying mammal. It’s called a dox (nobody knows what it sounds like). If a dox breed with a ram it will give birth to a large wooly flying mammal, with horns. It’s called a rox. If a rox and a salamander have sex the baby is giant red flying lizard with horns that breathes fire. It’s called a shit.

Who's laughing now?

Don’t Go In the Water

            Let’s talk about dolphins, or as I like to call them, CRAZY SEX FIENDS OF THE SEA. You heard me.

            Dolphins are a beast of pure lubricity and are not to be trusted. Supposedly one on the Earth’s most intelligent animals, they sure have a funny way of showing it. Instead of developing tools or modifying their environment they seem to spend their time coming up with new forms of debauchery. While we’re stuck here on land with our thumbs and our jobs, they’re living an aquatic life of hedonism filled with eating fish and WILD ORGIES. Did I say wild orgies? Sorry, I meant WILD BI-SEXUAL ORGIES. George Washington did not invent marriage so that these prurient porpoises could roll around in a big naked pile. I can almost imagine how these things happen when dolphins don’t even BOTHER TO WEAR CLOTHES. If they were so smart they would develop the concept of shame and learn to cover themselves up, like respectable beings. But no, they just swim around with their smooth hairless bodies and don’t even have the decency to feel bad about it.

It's laughing at you

Oh, and some of that sex I mentioned earlier ISN’T EVEN CONSENSUAL. THAT’S RIGHT, SEA RAPE. If you haven’t canceled your trip Dolphin Quest yet you should know that they don’t limit these salacious assaults of the sea to their own kind. Other animals may be known to force sexual advances on their bipedal superiors, but none do it with the same despicable cunning as the dolphin. Man is far from capable in the water but do you think this vulnerability is appreciated? No, it’s TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF. They are not afraid to use their flaunted agility to take sexual gratification from the unsuspecting. No fish in the sea could ever be as monstrous as this mammalian molester.

Those are soulless eyes without compassion

            If that information wasn’t enough to enlighten you to the true nature of these contemptible cetaceans here are some more facts about dolphins.

1.  Global population is unknown due to their transient lifestyle

2.  Have excellent eyesight and hearing, the better to stalk with

3.  Possess 80-100 teeth, which are all sharp and pointy

4.  Hunt in highly coordinated groups

5.  Use strong bursts of echolocation as a weapon to stun victims 

6.  Orcas (aka Killer Whales), a species of dolphin, have been know attack and kill humans

7.  Can swim up to 25 mph so you can’t outrun them

8.  Can leap up to 20 feet in the air, so you aren’t safe above the surface 

9.  Only sleep half of their brains at a time, so they never half to stop hunting you

10.  Have exceptional healing ability so shoot to kill