Top Ten (Thirteen) Things to Do Before I Die

1.  Knock someone out and steal their clothes - Then I'll break in to the facility and foil all their dastardly schemes.

2.  Invent Something - Something cool, like masers.

3.  Have Kids - Gotta replicate that DNA.

4.  Get a helicopter piloting license - You never know when that will come in handy.

5.  Have a mathematical constant named after me (can that happen while you’re still alive?) - If I have to be dead first, I guess I would settle for a Nobel Prize.

6.  Wear a Class A Hazmat Suit and a Tuxedo - Preferably on the same day, double preferably at the same time.

So Cool

7.  Become a God-King - It would be a tough job, but I think I could handle it.

8.  Solve a serious problem with my penis - Bonus points if it’s a problem I created with my penis.

9.  Get something published or get my name in credits - at a moderately impressive level anyway.

10.  Live Forever - why not.

11.  Cross an Ocean - There are Australians over there.

12.  High Five Ryan North - Tall people give the best high fives.

13.  Punch a Dolphin in the face - They're just asking for it.

Yule

                It’s the Winter Solstice and you know what that means? Pagan religions celebrations! As a member of the Norse religion I like to celebrate the Yuletide in two ways. Cake and Fireworks. There are two problems with this plan. First, cake isn’t really something that you should do alone (friends don’t let friends cake alone). Second, my neighbors are having a Mayan New Year Party and fireworks might make them believe there facetious festivities a little too much. I will probably just celebrate the same way I celebrate most Friday nights; stay at home and maybe play some video games.

                Anyway, I made you a Yule card (you being anyone interested in receiving a Yule card via blog post). Here it is.

                I hope you like it. I also hope you enjoy this, the shortest day of the year.

                If you live in the Southern Hemisphere it is Midsummer, another great holiday, and I made a card for you too. Check it out.

                I wish you a happy Midsummer or Yule or New Year (according to some calendars).

John Stockton

                John Stockton is my favorite basketball player (just beating out Muggsy Bogues), and probably my favorite athlete. Here are some reasons why John Stockton is stupendous.

1. Played his entire career with the Utah Jazz
2. Only misses 22 games in his career, with 18 in one season (is third in most games played)
3. Played on the 1992 Olympic Dream-Team
4. Played in ten All-Star games
5. Average a double-double in points and assists
6. Part of the quintessential pick and roll duo with Karl Malone
7.  Never won an NBA championship (lost to the Chicago Bulls twice)
8. Wore short-shorts
9.  Reserved family man
10. Gave up salary so his sons hockey team could get ice time
11. Known as one of the NBA's dirties players (I call it good defense)
12. Is white and only 6’-1”

Yes

Records he holds

1. Most career assists - 15,806 (second has 11,916)
2. Most career steals – 3,265 (second has 2,593)
3. Seven of the top ten assists per season, including the top four
4. Most seasons with one team - 19
5.  Most games with one team – 1,504
6.  Most consecutive games with one team

YEEEEESSSSSSSS

If that doesn't convince you, I don't know what will.

Infinity, Alternate Universes, and Hermaphrodites

                Infinity is an interesting concept. A seven year old will tell you that infinity is the biggest number that there is, but that isn’t really correct. Infinity is a lack of boundaries or limits. Since a number needs to have a value, infinity is something else. It is something abstract, like the idea of forever, which can never really be pinned down. Infinity is a lot more useful than forever though. For one, it is a good way to tell when math, especially physics, breaks. Infinity is the solution to dividing by zero, and it often makes an appearance if you try to theorize a massive object travelling at the speed of light. Infinite series and asymptotes are also cool.

                Infinite divisibility is probably my favorite aspect of infinity. Basically, it is the idea that you can continuously divide something up into smaller pieces, forever, without getting pieces of zero size. Then understand that this same process can be done with every piece. It is what the Dewey Decimal System is based on. Now, there are a couple ways to infinitely divide something. You could create and infinite different values that exist between one and two, and when summed, these values would create infinity. You could also divide one by half an infinite number of times, and these values would sum to two. Understanding the difference between these cases is the key to realizing that Zeno’s Paradox is nonsense (also, trying to separate time from space is like trying to remove the direction left, friggin’ crappy paradoxes).

                More mind blowing that any lame Greek paradox is the concept of infinite alternate universes. This is the idea that every single event that has ever occurred could have happened differently, and a universe exists for each of those possibilities. Even more mind blowing, due to the crazy coolness of infinite divisibility, an infinite number of universes exist for each possibility. This means that every universe that you could imagine would exist. Assuming that this idea is true; there is a universe where you wore a green shirt today, a universe where you were born as the opposite gender, one where you and I having sex right now, one where we are having sex and will live forever, and one we are doing it / living forever / being true hermaphrodites capable of self-fertilization who start the new super race of Homo Superior (because if you can impregnate, get pregnant, or get yourself pregnant, you are basically the Ubermensch). Guess what, there is an infinite number of universes where that happens.

Top Ten (Six) Dinosaurs

1. Parasaurolophus - I have a preference for duck-billed dinosaurs naturally. This is my favorite due to the head crest.

2. Tyrannosaurus Rex - If you had jaws that were capable of crushing everything, you wouldn't need big arms either.

3. Ankylosaurus - Armor plating... check, tail club... check, name that makes a good pun about sour ankles... check.

4. Diplodocus - My favorite sauropod. I can't really say for certain why, but it might be because the name is fun to say.

5. Stygimoloch - A pachycephalosaurid, which means that it has a thick skull meant for ramming, which I like. The Stygimoloch had really sweet horns, hence the devilish name.

6. Thalassomedon - A plesiosaur, so Lock Ness Monster material. This genus had a 39 ft length and a 20 ft neck, and I just like those proportions.

We’re All Going to End Up Married to Robots

                Robots are the future. When I say robot, I sometimes technically mean android (or gynoid), but the word robot is just more fun and all inclusive. What makes robots so powerful is the fact that they can be designed intelligently. They don’t have to go through the random hit-or-miss of evolution.  They can be designed around a specific task, which allows for perfect specialization. A robot has the advantage of being able to focus its whole existence towards one goal, and doesn’t get distracted by fringe stuff like entertainment and sleep. Since there is such a taboo with genetic tampering, robots are our best bets for making the most stupendous things possible.

                Modern robots are already better than humans at a number of jobs. These jobs include exploration, manufacturing, and being expendable. There hardy mechanical bodies allow them to easily survive in many environments that would be deadly to a human. Robots also never got bored, so they can do the same crappy job over and over without losing focus. They also excel at working at a consistent level of quality, and can work in extreme synchronization without any ego conflicts. Still, advanced tasks that require a wider range of skills and adaptability are currently best done by humans, but that is only due to our limits in building and programming robots.  Robots are also currently quite limited in their ability to learn and/or self-program, and this brings us to the discussion of artificial intelligence (AI).

Robots are better than you

                AI is where robots really have room to grow. In the future we will be able to build smaller, cheaper, and more versatile robots, but it is the intelligence side that holds the real potential for advancement. Imagine a machine with a body built specifically for a certain task, but with the problem solving ability of a human. Such creations would reduce the jobs that humans are superior at down to art and philosophy. I don’t know if being reduced to a life of self-indulgent hedonism would be considered a robot apocalypse, but that is what we're looking at.

This robot already looks like he could do my job better than me

                You may be wondering how all this all ends up with us being married to robots. Well, if robots could be dominant at almost every function, then why couldn’t they be the best spouses? Picture a robot with strong AI that is programmable. Such a robot could be created with the exact personality to compliment your own. What human relationship could ever compare to that? Barring some automatonophobia, it would be practically impossible not to get along perfectly with your new robot companion. There would be no troublesome conflicts of interest or differences in perspective, unless you wanted them. By the time that we are able to produce strong AI we will probably also be able to produce robots with bodies that perfectly resemble our own (or the robots will be able to produce them). Once again, how can mere human attractiveness ever compare to something that was created specifically to suit your preferences? Robots would never have to deal with any of the natural limitations that humans have. If you want a woman with an 18” waist, perky D breast, and who shares all or your interests, that would easily be possible (she sounds a little uncanny to me, but whatever). The real robot apocalypse won’t be when we are reduced to a bunch of lazy pleasure seekers, but when we can’t be bothered to deal with other humans long enough to actually reproduce (Perfect Robot Babies!).