My History with Women - Part One (A Pattern Forms)

This is the comprehensive history or all my romantic interactions with the opposite sex. I will tell you right now that things don’t really go well, but I would rather receive laughter than concern about it. I built this house and I have to live in it, and to be honest I am actually still proud of it (this sort of failure doesn't come easy). The names have been left out to save these poor girls any more embarrassment from being associated with me.

                We will start from the beginning. In Kindergarten and the next few years, my core group of friends was made up of two boys and two girls. My favorite of the two was a sweet little petite girl (this is likely why I am still attracted to petite girls to this day). The only real activities that I can remember are recess soccer, chicken fighting, and pee wee baseball. She wasn’t really athletic or anything, but she was always cheerful, and that just made her fun to be around. Sadly she switched elementary schools in 3^rd grade, and we lost touch after that.

Your looking at the catcher for the Eagles, Pee Wee Champions

                 The first time I was ever asked out was at some point in second grade. A third grade girl asked me if I wanted to be her boyfriend during recess one day. This was done with the classic method of a note and circling yes or no. I may have missing a lot of romantic experiences, but I totally got this one. I didn’t know this girl so I flipped out and declined her offer. I had an inexplicable girl phobia at this age that I am probably still dealing with the remnants of to this day. She seemed kind of odd anyway, so no regrets here.

                At another point during second grade a girl in my class asked me over to her house on what I will call a play date. I was skeptical because it didn’t sound like it would be very fun, but my mother though it was a good idea that I get some social experience with girls, so she rightfully and underappreciatedly pushed me into going. I can’t remember what we actually did, but I do remember finding it quite boring (Nintendo, Lego, and Capture the Flag were my main interests at the time). I also realized that she had quasi-romantic feelings for me so I broke that relationship like a karate master breaking boards. I was apparently attractive at that age.

The ladies love a bowl cut

                I also had an ambiguous relationship with a Russian girl in my class. She didn’t really talk much, but she did like tackle me and pull my pants down. I’m not exactly sure whether she was flirting with me or just bullying me. She scared the crap out of me either way.

                Fifth grade is when I became part of a real social structure. My group of boys happened to have a corresponding group of girls, so I had that going for me. The main interactions between the groups were prank exchanges, secret codes, and one sided basketball games, but there was also some coupling between the groups. I wasn’t the ladies’ man of the group (the farthest from it actually), but at least I had something to work with. Major events include a ski trip where one of the girls (the outgoing one) had a crush on me for what I only remember being that day. This basically meant that she followed me around all day and took every opportunity to fall on me that she could get. There was also a D.A.R.E. roller skating event (during which I played Kings Corners and never put on a pair of skates), during which my friends had the idea that we should all ask a girl out. I didn’t have any aspirations (at least that I was willing to admit), so my friends took it upon themselves to pick and ask a girl for me. They chose the “sporty one,” and to my chagrin, she said yes. I panicked and told her that I wasn’t actually interested (like a jerk), but that was technically my first girlfriend.

Here is me learning all the sweet skiing skills that I would later use to impress the chicks

                The girl that I had a crush on was the over achiever of the group. Interplay included her teasing me about always failing the preliminary spelling tests, and the one time she failed I passed, so I teased her ten times as hard. I gave her the nickname Skunky, because she had a wisp of light colored bangs in her dark hair (I had nicknames for all or the girls actually, but hers was the only one I ever really used). Other than that I tried to hide my feelings for her, since I believe that if you want to get a girl to like you, you should completely ignore her. This method continues not to work to this day.

                In sixth grade my family moved towns, undoing all of the zero progress I had made with the ladies (actually a clean slate might have been a more favorable position). I did start out with a bit of a reputation as a weird kid though, because I was new, came from a middle school (I had to go back to elementary school, which was LAME), and I wrote in cursive all the time. One memorable occurrence was when one girl started making out with everyone after her boyfriend moved to Australia (she promised to wait!), and I was rumored to be one of her make out victims. I wasn’t of course, but whenever questioned about it, I would never confirm or deny the rumor (not correcting peoples incorrect assumptions if it suits me is something I do from time to time, and I don’t know if it is lying or not). At another point that year, I was informed that the girl who read books every spare moment had a crush on me. I thought I was too good for her (I wasn’t), and never did anything about it. I also threw up at the Christmas Recital. That’s not really related to anything romantic, it was just a good memory.

                In Junior High, I really came into my own at sucking with women. I had my fair share of crushes and more than my share of making no moves. I did tease one girl that I liked by calling her albino (she was very fair hairs and skinned), but I got in trouble for it by a teacher so I stopped (the next year a teacher was calling her albino, so I think the social studies teachers had some sort of sinister joke stealing racket going on). I also teased a different girl I liked for not being as good with computers as me, and she told me I had a head shaped like a dinosaur egg, so that was fun. I wasn’t very popular in Junior High, in case you couldn’t guess. I remember some girls being really surprised that I was a starter on the football team once, because I was a pretty big nerd. One of my math teachers used to seat me next to only girls on purpose to try to help me out. I don’t think girls are attracted to guys who are good at math unfortunately.

On the last day of ninth grade I decided that it was finally time to make a move. My current crush was on the “Queen of the Nerds.” She was the undisputed hottest smart girl in our grade. I fell for her during an archery class in gym when she asked me to help her put on her arm bracer. It went a lot better than my last attempt to touch a girl (she asked me for a quarter, and I got so nervous that I dropped it short of her hand and then ran away), so I believed that I was in (I had no idea what league I was in). So, it was the last day and everyone was gathered in the lunch room signing yearbooks and what not. It was now or never, so I girded my loins... and had a friend ask her out for me (wow past me, just WOW). She declined obviously (she said she didn’t know me well enough, which isn’t surprising since I was afraid to speak to her), and thus ended Junior High.

                We will see you next time for the story or an actual girlfriend.

Top Ten (Eleven) Novels

1. Cryptonomicon by Neil Stephenson
A book that truly makes nerds into heroes. From hackers to cryptographists, the characters in this novel kick asses, but do it using their heads.

2. Ubik by Philip K. Dick
My favorite PKD book, and worth reading just for the clothing descriptions. Doesn't disappoint with a great ambiguous ending.

3. Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams
The funniest book I have ever read. The universe created in this series is the best I've seen.

4. Starship Troopers by Robert Heinlein
The space marine book in my opinion. All the Robert Heinlein goodness without the free love stuff that generally weirds me out. Not very similar to the movie.

5. Ilium by Dan Simmons
Combines the Iliad with science fiction, and a little Shakespeare for flavoring. This and its sequel Olympos are great epic sci-fi.

6. Three Kingdoms by Luo Guanzhong
Romanticized history about the Three Kingdoms Period in China. A massive story about warfare, tactics, and politics. I learned about it from a video game.

7. Cat's Cradle by Kurt Vonnegut
A book about human stupidity that only Vonnegut could write. I don't think anybody writes irony as well as him.

8. Jurassic Park by Michael Crichton
More science than the movie and all the plot stuff that only a book can contain. A little lacking in the Jeff Goldblum department though.

9. Ender's Game by Orson Scott Card
A book about children so probably best read at a younger age, but still philosophical enough for any age. A very different perspective and war and alien cultures.

10. Fools Die by Mario Puzo
All the great Vegas, Hollywood, and New York greed and corruption that Mario Puzo is know for, but with an author as the main character instead of a gangster.

11. Redwall by Brian Jacques
The Redwall series was one of my favorites as a child. Something I would definitely want to read to my kids. I still think animals with British accents are great.

Religion, even I kind of have one.

                You know what’s cool? Paganism! You probably know about the Greco-Roman Religion and Egyptian Religion, you probably don’t know much about the Celtic Religion, but you may only know a little bit about my favorite, the Norse Religion. If I had to pick an existing religion to be (as opposed to just making one up from scratch), it would totally be Norse, so let’s talk about it (And yes, I realize that polytheism is still common in East and Central Asia and parts of Africa, which is excellent, I just wonder what happened to Western Polytheism).

                So why Norse? Well, it has a few things going for it. You get all the wacky hijinks and drama that you get with the Greco-Romans, but instead of being mostly about sex(/rape /incest) and crazy man-beasts (which are often still part of the sex category), Norse drama is generally about getting loot, and beating people up. The driving force of Greco-Roman mythology seems to be Zeus being really horny, meanwhile the Norse myths are usually fuelled by Loki being a huge prick, but where Zeus is never punished (that’s usually left to his victims) Loki is typically held responsible for his schemes (not that they have any lasting effects though). Norse also has my favorite afterlife and apocalypse, which I will talk about next. I am also of mostly Scandinavian and German ancestry, so Norse kind of appeals to me for that reason too.

A map of the Norse universe

                First, the Norse afterlife is pretty sweet. Proper funerals are important because if you don’t do it right the spirit will totally come back to haunt you, draugr style (basically zombies that can increase their size at will, aka super zombies). Proper funerals typically entail either burial or cremation. Various grave goods are often left with the body for use in the afterlife, which is handy for archeologists, and is totally stupendous when you rank high enough to get a boat sent with you. The spirit can go to a few different places after death. If you don’t die a noble death (noble deaths include dying in battle or at sea), you will probably end up in Hel. Pre-Christian Hel was probably just sort of a bland place were spirits default to, and wasn’t really connected to punishment. If you manage to avoid a lame death (like old age or disease) you get to go to either Valhalla, or Fólkvangr, the realms of Odin or Freya respectively. Details on Fólkvangr are pretty scarce, but Valhalla is what I am talking about when I say my favorite afterlife. The main activities are battling all day, getting your wounds healed, and then feasting all night (lather, rinse, repeat). The purpose is to train to accompany Odin into the epic battle that is Ragnarök (more on this in the apocalypse section). It is just so very Norse to base your ideal afterlife on warring and feasting, but only if you prove yourself a pro at warring and feasting in life (I assume feasting yourself to death would count as noble).  Death also has erotic aspects, since death is described as an embrace from one of the goddesses of the afterlife, and I use embrace in the fullest sense of that phrase (I’m not sure if this works for both genders, but the ladies deserve some sexy death times too).

                Ragnarök, more than just the best word ever (Norse names are excellent, and also their sweet epithets). Basically Ragnarök is the Norse apocalypse, even though the world will continue to exist afterward. All the events have been pretty well laid out with prophesies, and Odin’s favorite pastime is gathering knowledge about Ragnarök. It all starts with the Fimbulwinter, which is three winters in a row with no summers in between. During this triple intense winter there will be a whole bunch of wars, brothers will kill brothers, sons will turn against fathers, and even some incest, so basically some pretty sucky behavior all round. Then Loki and all his evil children (the ones he fathered at least, since being a shape shifter, he has also been a mother) escape from their bonds, plus the giants and the dead from Hel all march on the gods. Highlights of the battle include Fenrir the wolf swallowing the sun and the moon, then going on to eat Odin, before Odin’s son Vidar, using his super shoe powers, rips his jaw apart. Thor battles the World Serpent, is able to kill it, but dies from its poison after taking nine steps. Surt, one of the elder Giants, kills Frey who doesn’t have his good sword at the time, then burns the earth. Loki and Heimdall kill each other in battle as do Tyr and Garm. The survivors of the battle are Odin’s son Vidar (the shoe guy) and Vali (who matured to an adult in one day so he could kill Hodur), Thor’s son Modi and Magni (names meaning Angry and Strong, so I guess they are just made of pure distilled Thorness), plus Baldur and Hodur (Yep, the guy who killed Baldur and was then killed by Vali) bust out of Hel, and the two humans named Lif and Lifthrasir survive by hiding in some special forest. I’m not sure if any goddesses survive, but I guess the guys will have the whole Baldur killing shenanigans to talk about.

BEST APOCALYPSE EVER

                Now you could be wondering, “Hey Cob, who is your favorite Norse God?” (probably not but let’s pretend shall we) so here goes. You may know him for Tuesdays (Tyrsdays) and being totally hardcore (but likely you’ve never heard of him), it’s Tyr, the one handed god of law, justice, single combat, and heroic glory. Tyr doesn’t really have as much face time in mythology as Odin, Loki, or Thor do, but I guess those three nailed down the archetypes of being super wise, super douchy, or super strong respectively, so they are easy to write about. It is also believed that Tyr either used to be the primary god of the Norse pantheon or he and Odin used to be the same god, so Odin may have stolen many of the good Tyr myths. His only major appearances are in Ragnarök when he and Garm kill each other (Garm is basically the Norse Cerberus, and is the hound who guards Hel. He is also quite undermythed), and the story of how he lost his hand. That story goes as such. So Loki shows up at Asgard (home of the gods) with his new son one day. It turns out that his son is Fenrir, an evil wolf who will be mostly responsible for the end of the world. Instead of just killing it now, they decide to raise it, since you can’t break prophesy or something. Being the most courageous dude around, Tyr gets the job of feeding this beast. Alarmingly, Fenrir just keeps getting bigger and bigger, until he is just a massive slobbering death machine. The gods decide that they need to contain this cursed creature for their own safety, so they use their mightiest of weapons, reverse psychology. They get a big chain and then they say to Fenrir “Hey, I bet you can’t break out of this chain”. Turns out he totally can, plus he can also break out of their next chain that is twice is strong, with little to no effort. So the gods decide that they are going to need the best chain ever (the whole best of its kind concept is a bit of a recurring theme in Norse mythology), and when you need something amazing and magical like that, you go to the dwarves. In what must have been the most epic scavenger hunt of all time the dwarves gather the sound of a cats footfall, the beard of a women, the roots of a mountain, the sensibility of a bear, the breath of a fish, and the spit of a bird to make this chain. Instead of a chain though, they take this stuff and make it into a thin ribbon (like carbon nanotubes on steroids). Now the gods take this innocent looking ribbon and bet Fenrir double or nothing that he can’t break out this time. Fenrir gets suspicious at this point because he can probably smell dwarf magic all over that ribbon (literally, because wolves have a good sense of smell, and dwarves are smelly), so he only agrees to let them tie him up is somebody puts their hand in his mouth. Being the brave sort that he is, Tyr volunteers for the job, and then they tie Fenrir up with the ribbon. As the wolf struggles to break out Tyr is standing with his fingers crossed and hoping that the saying never bite the hand that feeds holds true. It doesn’t, and as soon as he realizes that he was tricked, Fenrir bites of Tyr’s right hand at the wrist (or the wolf-joint in Old Norse). So that is how Fenrir was bound until Ragnarök, and why Tyr is “not considered to be a promoter of settlements between people”, since I guess he can’t shake hands anymore or something.

One hand, too bad-ass

                Those are just some of the reasons why I like Norse Paganism, and I hope you learned something. In the end, calling myself Norse only means that I don’t mind if you refer to me as a heathen, and I prefer Yule to Christmas.