I feel the need, the need to talk about Top Gun.

If you didn’t know, stupendous things are happening in the Indian Ocean, and they are happening right now. Every time you watch Top Gun, naval aviators are getting into wacky engagements with MiGs at that moment. This is called living in the best of all possible universes. I highly recommend it.

I should start by saying that fighter planes are friggin’ cool. Planes in general are sweet (probably just flight in general), but when you use those planes to fly around at Mach speeds and shoot missiles (or machine guns!) at each other it becomes the greatest sport ever. This brings me to my first point. Top Gun is an 80’s sports movie (no war movie would have this many locker room scenes), and I mean that as a compliment. Instead of High School we get Fighter Weapon School, and instead of basketball or karate we get dogfighting. Clear improvements.

All the necessary characters for a sports movie are present. First you need some jocks who antagonize the main characters for no real reason. Iceman is a prefect jock bully. He’s clearly skilled but abrasive, so you will respect him but not trust him. Slider is the classic crony. Even more of a jerk than Iceman, he also lacks the talent to back it up. Iceman’s arrogance is somewhat justified, but Slider just stinks.

            The stereotypical support characters are all there. Sundown in the token black guy necessary to 80’s sports movies. He and his facewear will be covered in greater detail later on. Viper plays the part of the wise mentor. He gives the hero advice and encouragement when he needs it most, as is his role. Jester is the harsh teacher, there to show that nobody’s getting coddled. Michael Ironside's voice is also so gravely that you could use it for road base. That’s a civil engineering joke (no regrets).

            All that’s missing at this point is a forbidden love interest. Cue Charlie. It might be a little out of type that she hasn’t dated Iceman at some point, but the teacher dating a student angle works just fine. The whole stealing the bad guy’s girlfriend trope never makes much sense anyway. If she is such a smart, sensitive girl, then why would she be going out with such a jerk?

            Don’t forget the protagonists, who are obviously a pair of dorky underdogs. The dorky part may not be obvious at first, well it’s pretty clear in Goose’s case, but Maverick’s dorkiness requires closer inspection. Being a misunderstood unpopular kid is a classic dork trait, but this is offset by his official status as a loose cannon.

            Dork determination is going to require looking deeper into some of Mavericks other character attributes. His reputation as a ladies man isn’t dorky; but how much is actually known about this reputation? His only confirmed relationship is with one Penny Benjamin. For all we know she could be some maneating admirals daughter who was taking advantage of Maverick. She could also be smelly and gross. Either way, Mav didn’t even tell his best friend about her, so he probably wasn’t proud about it.

           

Penny Benjamin?

            That whole bet about carnal knowledge on the premises also seems more like a running joke than an actual possibility. Just the fact that they talk about Goose getting laid shows that they both expect to be going home alone. I really hope they aren’t implying that Goose cheats on Carole anyway. Plus, when Charlie says that Mav was wonderful Goose is clearly shocked.

  

            Seriously, Maverick’s two moves are a dorky stunt (singing You’ve Lost that Loving Feeling is pretty dorky), and following her into a bathroom. I don’t know anything about picking up girls, but these don’t seem like solid strategies to me. Then he tells her she’s making a mistake with her current date. This seems like a terrible idea. Especially when she clearly isn’t on a date. On the other hand, “If the government trusts me, maybe you could” is a good line.

  

Paperwork = not a date

            Carole telling Charlie about all of Mav’s women is the biggest flaw in this theory. It’s also when the movie misses it’s opportunity to pass the Bechdel Test. The way I see it, Goose, Carole, and Mav have known each other for a long time. Carole and Goose just have a childhood sweetheart feel. Maverick has a self-confidence problem (plot point), and his friends embellish his dealings with women to help him out. He got Penny Benjamin, but most of his status is just exaggeration. They could also be prostitutes.

  

            In the end, no matter how much I argue, Maverick will always be first and foremost, a maverick. It may be the rebel on the wrong side of authority that makes the character exciting, but the undercurrent of dorky underdog is always there to keep the character accessible. I mean Maverick and Goose weren’t even good enough to get into Top Gun until Cougar had his accident. This brings us to the plot, so let’s talk about it.

           

            In sports movie terms, the plot goes something like this: the plucky underdog protagonist catch a break and get a shot at the big leagues, they then spend the entire “season” proving that they are good enough to belong there, setbacks happen along the way, relationships include a forbidden romance and a father struggling to support a family, a tragedy gets mixed in with some haunted past, and in the end when given a shot in the big game, our hero (singular at this point) saves the day. It sounds boring like that, but I’d like to point out a few examples of why I think this ends up being so effective. I’ll start with the first scene.

   

            All that aircraft carrier footage is getting counted as opening credits. I’m talking about the first scene with dialog. We start with “Great, Maverick and Goose”. Then comes a great shot of the F-14 slowly pulling into frame, and Maverick’s first line is “Talk to me Goose”. Everything you need to know is set up right there. Mav and Goose are loveable rogues, jet fighters are cool, and Maverick is the one in charge but he depends on Goose for support. The rest of the scene also established the danger, sets up Cougar’s (sweaty, blinky) breakdown so they can get into Top Gun, has a heroic rescue, builds the myth of the MiG 28’s, and gives them some special knowledge that comes in handy with Charlie later. It’s just that easy. I’m not sure it fighter pilots will lock missiles on each other during random encounters to establish dominance, but it seems pretty fun (best possible universe).

            The movie moves along steadily from here, and we never go more than 22 minutes without seeing Maverick in a plane. You get all that plot stuff I just mentioned as everything builds up to Hop 31. Danger Zone starts playing, so you know things are going to get intense. The score is tied and graduation is only two weeks away. Maverick and Iceman are forced to work together and the tension is thick. It’s a two on three engagement but two of the enemy planes split off right away leaving Mav and Ice chasing a lone A-4. The enemy planes aren’t important in this scene and we never even see who’s flying them. All the conflict is between Maverick and Iceman. As you would expect, Iceman quickly acts the jerk (or the son of a bitch). Strain builds as Iceman and Maverick are packed in right behind the enemy fighter and Ice refuses to get out of the way. He gets badgered by everyone, including Slider, and finally veers off. Just when you think Maverick and Goose are going to get their big change to prove they’re the best, the plot hits the breaks and we fly right by. Jet wash, flat spin, watch the canopy, and:

            Goose gets his own essay, so the emotional impact will be covered later. What this does to the plot is pretty major. Suddenly Maverick couldn’t care less about winning any trophies and it’s questionable whether he can even be a fighter pilot after this. Viper sends him back up but Mav can’t engage no matter how easy a shot Jester gives him (proving he’s not such a hard ass after all). Now Maverick has multiple encounters of decreasing hostility and increasing effectiveness. First he makes Sundown soil his flight suit.

  

Next Mav packs his locker, has an awkward talk with Iceman, and heads to the airport. Charlie somehow finds him at the bar, and confronts him about quitting with some tough love and their relationship exits the scene in pretty bad shape. Maverick isn’t quite ready to leave yet (he was just dropping off resumes with the commercial airliners), and he heads to Viper’s house for some fatherly advice. We learn that Papa Mitchell wasn’t a disgrace after all, and his heroic actions were covered up for political reasons (wrong line on some map and all that).

That’s one ghost exercised. Maverick skips graduation (even though he had enough points), but shows up for the after party. It’s a good thing he’s there though, because he’s got orders to go back to the Indian Ocean for a crisis situation. The SS MacGuffin has wandered into enemy waters and the rescue needs air support (we never even get to see this boat). Everything comes full circle, and we end up back on the same carrier where the movie started.

  

Iceman and Hollywood end up flying the mission with Maverick backing them up on alert. Six MIGs later, Hollywood and Wolfman get shot down because they’re incompetent (“Where’d who go?”). Maverick is sent in to rescue Iceman and in a nice touch Cougar’s old partner Merlin is his RIO. At 6’5” Tim Robbins seems a little tall for a fighter pilot, but he does some of the best eye acting in this whole movie so I’ll let it slide (You’re gunna do what?). Iceman is struggling to stay alive, but Maverick still has to let go of Goose before he can engage.

He does, because he’s the hero, and then he and Iceman shoot down most of the MiGs and scare off the rest (Mav shoots down the majority, because hero). We also see every lesson that Maverick learned. He recovers after flying through some jet wash, he doesn’t leave his wingman, and he pulls the old “I’m gunna hit the brakes, he’ll fly right by” trick. He also doesn’t crash into the ocean, so you could count that as never going below the hard deck. Everybody flies back to the carrier without a second thought about the boat rescue plot, and throw a party on the deck. Hollywood and Wolfman got pulled out of the ocean before they could row to Sweden. Everyone is happy.

  

All the problems have been resolved. In what could be considered a twist, Iceman isn’t disgraced and becomes Maverick’s friend (they do a flyby together, because buzzing the tower is what friends do), Maverick throws Goose’s dogtags into the ocean (Goose had a wife and kid who might have wanted those!), and when offered his choice of assignments he decides he wants to be a Top Gun instructor. This doesn’t make a ton of sense since he didn’t win the trophy, or even graduate, but you’ve got to set up the sequel somehow.  This isn’t a joke. There actually was a sequel planned where Maverick was an instructor and a spunky female pilot comes to the school. This could still happen. Oh, Maverick and Charlie get back together too, but I’m probably more concerned about whether or not he’ll find another RIO to fly with again (is Merlin his RIO now, what’s he like, does he play volleyball?). Then in the best of 80’s traditions, we play credits to the sounds of a corny power ballad.

Not bad for a plot whose main purpose is to move things from one dog fight to the next. I think that’s enough Top Gun for one serving, but I still have a lot more to talk about. Up next, I’ll talk about what really makes this movie great. The elemental excellence that is naval aviators. 

Top Ten (Twenty Seven) Top Gun Quotes

You know them, you love them. If not, study this list. I’ve added tips on how to use them in everyday life.

1.  /Thumb up, salute/ - I’m not sure if a hand gesture can technically be a quote, but this one deserves it. All purpose, it can be used to signal “You’re looking good”, “Everything’s fine with me”, “See you later”, or “Good job”, along with any other positive messages.

2.  “Talk to me Goose.” - The ultimate conversation starter.

3.  “Negative Ghost Rider, the pattern is full.” - Say this any and every time you reply in the negative.

4.  “Below the hard deck does not count.” - Can be used any time you don’t agree with a decision or outcome. The only possible rebutle is “hard deck my ass”. Feel free to experiment with where you put the emphasis.

5.  “Maverick’s supersonic; I’ll be there in 30 seconds.” - The obligatory response any time someone asks for your ETA.

6.  “God damn it Maverick!” - A general use rebuke.

7.  “Up there we gotta push it. That’s our job.” - Function as a motivational line or a reason for why things got carried away. It can also make your employment sound interesting. You’ve got options.

8.  “I’m holding on too tight. I’ve lost the edge.” - Use this any time you make a mistake in a clutch situation. The more absurd or bathos inspiring the better.

9.  “That son of a bitch cut me off.” - Works equally well for traffic or conversations or any time anybody cuts you off.

10.  “We went like this, he went like that. I said to Hollywood, 'Where'd he go?' Hollywood says, 'Where'd who go?' " – Use it to explain anything that gets lost, screwed up, or confused.

11.  “Bogeys like fireflies all over the sky.” - It’s the paprika of similes. It’ll spice up any story.

12.  “It’s not good, it doesn’t look good.” - For when things don’t look good.

13.  “Come on Mav, do some of that pilot shit.” - Nobody will fail you if you implore them with that line.

14.  “Your ego is writing checks your body can’t cash.” - If you’re worried someone is about to be overcome by their own hubris, use this to rein them in.

15.  “Great Mav, real slick.” - Say it too yourself after a blunder. Referring to yourself as Mav can only help to raise your spirits back up.

16.  “They were abused children.” - Add it any time people walk away from a group conversation.

17.  “Gutsiest move I ever saw.” - A compliment that works in any situation.

18.  “No man, it was a really great move. He was inverted.” - Bust this out if someone questions the actions of a friend, regardless of whether inversion was involved or not. Can also be used as a defense of number 17.

19.  “That’s right Ice… man, I am dangerous.” - In case your loose cannon status is ever in questions.

20.  “There’s two O’s in Goose.” - Slip it in if anyone asks you to correct their spelling

21.  “You can be my wingman any time.” - for when you want to establish a new best friend. If they reply “Bullshit, you can be mine” then you know it’s for real.

22.  “Hollywood, you’re looking good. I’m going after Viper.” - If you ever want to leave a situation early, use this as your excuse. That or “I need to take a shower”.

23.  “Maverick has the ball.” - Works for any time you assume control or authority.

24.  “I want some butts!” - All-purpose angry outburst, or possibly sex proposition.

25.  “This gives me a hard on.” - Don’t be afraid to share your feelings.

26.  “Slider *sniff* you stink.” - If you ever need to insult someone but nothing specific comes to mind. You don’t have to call them Slider, but it helps.

27.  “The simple fact is that you feel responsible for Goose, and you have a confidence problem.” - If a friend is worrying about a past mistake, use this to straighten them out.

Jurassic Park: That’s, that’s chaos theory

                To talk about Ian Malcolm, first I’m going to have to talk about Jeff Goldblum. I am a really, REALLY big Jeff Goldblum Fan. Jeff makes quirky intellectuals funny and sexy. If you don’t think he’s sexy then take a look at these.

 

He has a strut like a man-panther

Is it hot in there or is it just Jeff?

He is just bursting with charisma. Doubters should know that he married Geena Davis (who he played the sexy smart-guy opposite off a multiple times), and he dated Laura Dern after this movie. This proves that the water drops on the hand trick is the greatest pick-up move in the history of science (tragically, if it were repeated by anyone but Jeff Goldblum it would only be a sad imitation). His line delivery is the greatest thing since William Shatner and we have the same birthday, which is neat. Now I am going to try to look past all the Goldblum (oh so much Goldblum), and give an unbiased appraisal of the character Ian Malcolm.

                First, the things I like about Ian Malcolm. He’s a loose cannon, and I like loose cannons. Specifically, he is a loose cannon mathematician (chaotician), which is the second greatest kind of loose cannon you can be (theoretical physicist being the greatest). He is also not afraid to apply his math theories to everything, and then explain them in detail, and people actually listen. This seems to be due to sheer force of personality (and maybe sexiness).  Whenever I try to explain the temperature-volume-pressure relationship of gasses, or talk about Schrodinger's Cat my listeners eyes just glaze over. Not so for Ian Malcolm. He also has impressive fortitude, both mental and physical. He can tourniquet and splint (with his belt and bamboo from the destroyed bathroom) his own leg after being attached by a tyrannosaur, and can then quip about his situation at the first opportunity (“Remind me to thank John for a lovely weekend”). On top of all that, he can read a schematic while high on morphine, which is impressive.

               

He's fairly alarmed her

                Now, for the things that I don’t like about Ian Malcolm. The most minor is his cavalier attitude towards divorce, especially ones involving children. Loose cannons aren’t exactly known for having stable marriages, but from how he describes it, he sounds like he doesn’t even really care. I might add his flirting with Sattler in front of Grant to my dislikes, but Sattler never did anything to discourage him (because she didn’t realize what he was doing, not because she's a tease), so he can’t really be blamed too much. Next is flare scene. Malcolm’s actions in this situation seem to me like the unsolicited aide of someone who is under qualified that ends up making things worse, and I really dislike that sort of behavior. The look in his eyes as he lights the flare just tells the story of desired heroics. Sure he was only trying to help, but sometimes you just need to leave things to the experts. Speaking of experts, I don’t really agree with Malcolm’s interpretations of Chaos Theory either. When he states that control over nature isn’t possible and that life will break down barriers I don’t buy his analysis. Order can be brought to any chaotic system with the expenditure of enough energy. Properly maintained electric fences will keep a seven ton T-rex in its pen. The failure was caused by one man, which I don’t think qualifies as chaos, and the fact that the dinosaurs all instantly broke out upon the loss of power seems a bit far-fetched to me (the raptors being the exception since their intelligent attempts to escape had already been mentioned). Life evolving and breaking free is something that can and does happen, but evolution works on a near geologic timescale. Life may break free, but not over a weekend. Finally, the character trait that I dislike most about Ian Malcolm is the fact that he is against technological progress. His views are summed up in the quote “What you call discovery, I call the rape of the natural world.” This is a statement that I can absolutely not support. I prefer Hammond’s “Creation is an act of sheer will” which seemed to be played as a negative statement in the film's context. Looking at it, this whole movie seems to have an anti-progress tilt, and that is probably the only thing that I don’t like about it.

Quit trying to be as cool as Dr. Grant

                In spite of all those things, I still have fond feeling for Ian Malcolm. I attribute this to the charisma of Jeff Goldblum, and if this role had been played by anyone else I don’t think I would feel the same way. He has his flaw though, so unlike most people I know, Malcolm is not my favorite character. I will give you one guess who is.

Hammond may hate you but I think you're alright

Jurassic Park: A Movie So Good, It Probably Didn't Even Need Dinosaurs

Uh oh, it’s time for another movie post (aka series of posts). This time we are looking at Jurassic Park, which just so happens to be my favorite movie. I have seen this movie more times than any other, and it was pretty much my whole life when I was six years old. This movie was released in 1993, was directed by Steven Spielberg, and was based on a book by Michael Crichton. Those names are probably all you need to hear to know that this is a great movie. Spielberg is probably the greatest action/adventure movie director ever, and Crichton writes excellent books for adaptation into movies. It was also scored by John Williams, who is responsible for some of the most iconic movie music ever (his movie credits make Kenny Loggins and Harold Faltermeyer look like chumps, and those two ain’t chumps).  If anyone can pack 65 million years’ worth of adventure into one movie, it is these guys (Science Note: The term 65 million years was used throughout the movie. The source is the fact that the Cretaceous Period ended 65 million years ago, aka the end of the reign of the dinosaurs. The Jurassic Period was actually 145 million years ago, but since the dinosaurs in the movie are taken from throughout the Mesozoic Era, it’s not really a big deal. Jurassic Park is catchier than Mesozoic Park any day. The only time I might have a problem with its use is when Grant says “You can’t just suppress 65 million years of gut instinct” since the T-Rex didn’t exist in nature that long, but the line is still sweet and Alan Grant can do no wrong in my book so I will let it slide. End Science Note.) Now I could go through this movie scene by scene and point out all the things that I think are stupendous, but I will try to restrain myself and today we will just cover the basics of what make this movie so amazing. Massive spoiler warning, so if you haven’t seen this movie, I highly recommend you watch it (I also recommend you should watch it if you just haven’t seen in it a while, or even if you just finished watching it, it bears repeating).

So the movie opens with some shaky bushes at night, cuts to a chubby guy, more bushes, dude chewing gum, bushes again, then this.

This guy is here to let all the people who expected a romantic comedy know that they are in the wrong theater

We are shown a mysterious box, there is some un-subtitled Spanish being yelled (which is a nice trick to convey mood without explaining exactly what is happening), the location is given as Isla Nublar - 120 miles west of Costa Rica, and after the box is set down the intense chap with the shotgun starts giving orders to pushing teams and about Taser charges. Animal growling and screaming are emitted from the box and the pushing team reacts to this with fright. The box is pushed into position by the pushing team, the pushing team steps away (I really like the idea of a pushing team if you haven’t noticed but they aren’t in the film any more, which is a shame, so I will stop talking about them), then Jophery the Gatekeeper is introduced (to help us deal with the lost of the pushing team, last mention, I promise). The gate raising goes awry (despite the fact that some ambiguous locks were successfully engaged) and Jophery is violently pulled into the box. There is then some intense shots of the (at the moment un-named) intense chap struggling to pull the gatekeeper out, with plenty of shocky Taser action, and close-ups of a sinister reptilian eye. The scene ends with intense chap yelling “Shoot her, shoot her” while losing his grip on the death rattling Jophery and it cuts away to the sound of gun shots. All this takes place in less than three minutes. I know I promised not to go through this movie scene by scene, by I think since this is the first thing that you see, it is important. In story telling terms, this part of the movie is called The Hook, and I think it is super effective in this case. A possibly evil mega corporation is hinted at by all the weapon toting guys in matching jumpsuits and hardhats, danger is established, our main antagonist is introduced as a powerful and mysterious creature, and the plot of the movie is set in motion. It was also very entertaining as an action scene, so we are off to a good start.

                The strong start is just one example of how Jurassic Park contains all the core components of a good movie. This movie doesn’t push any boundaries (other than special effects), and doesn’t give any moving social commentaries or anything like that. What is does do is provide an entertaining unadulterated cinematic experience.  Let’s look at the plot. It is easy to follow while being chocked full of action, drama, suspense, and excitement. I will now present it as a series of bad decisions.

• Dangerous work environment  that lead to death of worker
• $20 million dollar lawsuit over dead worker
• Investors start inspection that consists of sending three scientist and a lawyer on a weekend trip
• Conspiring to corporate theft
• (Happened earlier but now introduced) meddling with science that you don’t fully understand
•  Unwittingly unleashing powerful  forces
• Failing to throw a flair properly while trying to imitate the legend that is Dr. Grant (not really that important to the plot, but a really bad decision)

The rest of the movie is just damage control as the characters try to survive the repercussion of all those bad decisions. Any of those decisions could probably make a movie by themselves, but all of them combine to escalate a situation into a frantic struggle for survival. It also involves the classic theme of being hosted by your own petard / brought down by your own hubris, which is always good. Add a few dinosaurs and you have yourself a winner. Don’t let me forgot the nice setup and reward in the movie with Grant describing a raptor attach early in the film and an attack unfolding in just that manner later in the film. The T-rex vision based on movement premise is also introduce in that scene, so a lot of foreshadowing going on there (Science Note: The visual acuity of a Tyrannosaurus Rex was almost certainly not based on movement, but it did make for a tense action scene, so I will let it slide again, also Alan Grant rules all the schools).

                The overall structure is clearly well built, but were the movie magic is really apparent to me is in the individual scenes. Here are some of my favorite shots from the movie.

They're moving in herds

Various reaction to children

Various reaction to feminism

Those Cryo Tanks are incredibly tech-sexy to me

Best climax ever?

The sets are detailed and interesting, the characters are blocked in ways that fit the setting but let you see everyone, and the CGI and animatronics is well integrated into the shots. It has subtle stuff like the violent storm in the beginning of the second act as an analogy for the forces of nature being unleashed while also serving the plot. Even the fact that the costuming has all of the main characters wearing different colors is great. When you have names like Spielberg and Industrial Light and Magic in the credits, quality work is not a surprise, but I just really appreciate how well this movie was made. The three academy awards that it won were for sound and special effect, but that is generally all you can expect with a science fiction action movie. Schindler’s List, another Steven Spielberg/John Williams film, dominated the awards that year, and I’m not sure if you can even get nominated for two movies in the same category in the same year. Everybody in this movie seems like they brought their A-game.

                All the aspects of Jurassic Park combine into a perfect storm of good movieness, but even with everything that I have just described I am still forgetting the most important part. The Characters. This post has already gone on long enough, so will have to cover that in the next one. Join me then, and will see how long that ends up being (probably two posts long).

Everybody Loves a Bad Boy

            You love bad boys. You know you do and if you say you don’t you’re lying. I can prove it.

            By definition, bad boys are bad because they make bad decisions.  Bad decisions are responsible for everything that has ever been suspenseful, sexy, or exciting ever. These decisions, by their very nature, create drama, conflicts, and problems. You may recognize these as the elements that make a story, well… a story. It is pretty impossible to make something interesting without one of those components. I defy anyone to write a story longer than five pages that doesn’t involve one bad decision, and then try to get anyone other than their mom to suffer through it (moms will read anything and say it’s good, they are completely delusional).

Here is an illustration of a bad boy making a bad decision

            Now what do I mean when I say bad decisions? They are not the same thing as stupid decisions, because choosing to wash your cat with Pine Sol isn’t interesting. Bad decisions are like deciding to take a Christmas Party hostage so you can rob their vault (or deciding that you are the one man to stop them), falling in love with a member of a rival family, or stealing porridge from bears. They involve taking risking, making people upset, and going against the beaten path. Anything that creates problems, opposition, or causes plans going awry, can be traced back to a bad boy somewhere.

The double thumps-up was pretty edgy in the 1970's

I could make a comprehensive list of all the bad boys in storytelling, but it would just be a list of every interesting character ever, and I don’t have that kind of time. I can give an example of a character that doesn’t make bad decisions though. If you have ever seen the Star Wars prequel movies you may have noticed these characters called Jedi. They don’t make any bad decisions, and it shows. Try to watch one of these characters (wait, a character need feature and traits. How about people… no that implies personality. Um, how about specimen. I think that has the right cold emotionless feel to it. Anyway) specimens for more than 30 seconds without yawning so hard that your soul flees the abyss of boredom that your body has become. Sitting around and talking in a calm fashion is not interesting. You know what is interesting? Flipping tables. Bad boys flip tables.

They are all holding laser swords and yet they still look boring

You may know bad boys by other names, such as loose cannon, rascal, scamp, rogue, or scoundrel. You may recognize these as descriptions of many, many famous characters from books, film, and all other forms or storytelling. Good boy are too busy staying home and working on the family farm while brushing their teeth twice a day to get a story told about them. Good boys do what is expected of them and don’t make trouble. Good boys are incredibly tedious and I’m already tired of talking about them.

Only a mom could find this picture interesting

Now if you still don’t like bad boys then you are missing out. They may cause a lot of problems, but they are also the ones who fix problems. You can’t solve a problem without opposing something. Bad boys can be traced all the way back to (and past) that first proto-human who stepped out of the trees and into the savanna. Some good decision making monkey was probably say “Look out, there are lions and junk out there”, but the bad decision making man just said “Whatever dude, if you need me I’ll be throwing pointy sticks at zebras”. What I’m trying to say is that we wouldn’t even be here if it weren’t for bad boys. I would at this point like to make it clear that bad boys includes females, it is just that the term alliterates, and is therefore more entertaining to write with (sorry about that).